Saturday, September 27, 2008

Preseason Rout

To take the sting off of last night's 9-4 drubbing at the hands of the blues, I will let the Swedish Chef present the recap:

ST. LOOoIS - Defeed Perrun hed three-a guels und un esseest, und Undy McDuneld edded feefe-a esseests tu help zee St. Luooees Blooes tu a 9-4 pre-a-seesun veen oofer zee Etlunta Threshers oon Freedey neeght.

Bred Boyes und Lee-a Stempneeek hed tvu guels und un esseest iech fur zee Blooes (2-1), vheele-a Pool Kereeya und Petreek Bergoolund bot hed a guel und un esseest. Munny Legece-a sterted in guel und feced 15 shuts, mekeeng 12 sefes.

Brett Sterleeng scured tveece-a fur Etlunta (1-1), und Ireec Boooltun und Tudd Vheete-a edded oone-a guel epeeece-a.

Sterleeng sterted zee scureeng joost 1:10 intu zee geme-a vhee he-a cunferted ooffff a Blooes toornufer. Boot Kereeya scured a pooer-pley guel ooffff a scremble-a in frunt 9:04 leter, und Bergloond beet Threshers gueleee-a Juhun Hedberg veet a slepshut et 14:54 ooff zee furst pereeud tu geefe-a zee Blooes zee leed fur guud.

Stempneeek poot zee geme-a evey vhee he-a scured et 2:01 und egeeen et 5:14 ooff zee thurd pereeud tu meke-a it 7-3. Perrun scured et 8:07 und cumpleted hees het treeck vhee he-a pooshed zee poock pest Etlunte's Oondrej Pefelec et 12:09.

And because that was so much fun, here's the Swedish Chef's take on the Schneider signing:

ENEHEIM, Celeeff. - Zee Uneheeem Doocks hefe-a feenelly fuoond a noo hume-a fur Metheeeoo Schneeeder.

Zee NHL teem deelt zee feterun deffencemun tu zee Etlunta Threshers oon Freedey fur blooe-a-leener Kee Klee-a und veengers Bred Lersen und Ched Peeenchood.

Doocks GM Breeun Boorke-a hes beee tryeeng tu trede-a Schneeeder fur veeks tu help get hees teem under zee selery cep.

Schneeeder is dooe-a tu iern US$5.75 meelliun thees seesun - meuneeng Uneheeem veell sefe-a et leest $3 meelliun es a resoolt ooff thees deel. Klee-a ($1.25 meelliun), Lersee ($560,000) und Peeenchood ($565,000) veell cuoont $2.5 meelliun egeeenst zee cep iff zeey ell pley in zee NHL thees seesun.

"It vurked tu oooor beneffeet, zee ooppurtooneety tu edd a pleyer ooff thees celeebre-a veet a teem thet ves up egeeenst zee cep und hed tu meke-a a mufe-a tu get under zee cep," Threshers generel muneger Dun Veddell seeed. "It's a beeg dey fur oooor fruncheese-a."

Zee 39-yeer-oold Schneeeder spent joost oone-a yeer veet zee Doocks, pootting up 12 guels und 39 pueents in 65 gemes. He-a ves seegned lest soommer vhee it luuked leeke-a Scutt Neeedermeyer vuoold retire-a und beceme-a ixpendeble-a vhee zee teem cepteeen deceeded tu retoorn meed-seesun.

Zee seetooeshun hes unffulded emeecebly, veet Schneeeder egreeeeng nut tu repurt tu Uneheeem's treeening cemp thees veek vheele-a zee teem ves in negutieshuns fur a trede-a.

"I'fe-a knoon fur sume-a time-a thet I ves gueeng tu be-a mufed," Schneeeder seeed in a telephune-a interfeeoo. "Breeun ves tremenduoos, vurkeeng veet my egent, tryeeng tu get a deel dune-a. .. Thees murneeng I ves ixtremely heppy tu heer zee noos."

Zee vell-trefelled deffencemun noo eeters hees 19t seesun in zee NHL veet hees ieeght teem. In 1,197 cereer regooler seesun gemes, Schneeeder hes 212 guels und 702 pueents. He-a elsu vun zee Stunley Coop veet Muntreel in 1993.

Zee 37-yeer-oold Klee-a jueens hees feefft teem seence-a zee NHL luckuoot. He-a spent ell ooff lest yeer veet Etlunta und hed oone-a guel und 10 pueents in 72 gemes.

Lersee is a checkeeng furverd vhu vun a Stunley Coop veet Culuredu Efelunche-a in 2002. Zee 31-yeer-oold spent perts ooff zee lest fuoor yeers veet zee Threshers.

Peeenchood is a furmer fuoort-ruoond drefft chueece-a vhu spleet lest seesun betveee zee ICHL und Emereecun Huckey Leegooe-a. Zee 22-yeer-oold hes yet tu pley un NHL geme-a.


Mortimer Peacock said...

I think this is the greatest thing ever written by anyone, ever.

Razor Catch Prey said...

I wish I could take credit, but there's actually a plug-in for Mozilla Firefox that automatically translates any web page into Swedish Chef-ese.

I'd give you a link, but I got it a couple of years ago and don't know where it came from. You can probably find it by doing a search on the Firefox website.

I am now off to try out the new NHL 09. Somebody call me Sunday night and make me turn it off and go to bed so I can make it to work Monday morning.