Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Liveblog! Hockey Mom Night at the RNC!

8:41- Meg Whitman of that eBay contraption spoke a few minutes ago. Right now it's another female CEO, Carly Fiorina, famously ditched by the Hewlett-Packard Board of Directors a while back. Whitman talked about how Obama will tax you, your children, and your dachshund into beggary. Fiorina is instructing us about the American Dream and how McCain supports it, etc.

8:53- Seems to be an emphasis on the economy tonight. Smart move, I reckon. Shots of those Red Wings/Elephants-jerseyed Michigan folk in the audience.

9:07- Mitt talking about the relocating the sun to Alaska. There really is something comical about a massively wealthy former CEO and Massachusetts governor railing against those damn "Eastern elites."

9:08- Mitt for torture! No hockey references yet.

9:10- Mitt is FOR the American people! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

9:11- Son of wealthy CEO and Michigan governor talking about heroic risk-taking and daring initiative.

9:12- Something about China as "Adam Smith on steroids." WHAT?

9:13- Mitt has coined a new word! "Moribundant." Wonderful.


9:13- Jesus, the man leaves no cliche behind. Al Gore's jet dragged out for the ten billionth time.

9:14- Why don't they just run Ronald Reagan's ghost? McCain will defeat radical Islam in its entirety, Mitt says. By the end of his first term, or will that take two terms?

9:18- Mitt retreats to the wings. Sorry about that, readers; I just couldn't resist having a thorough rip at Mitt.

9:21- More hockey jerseys! DANCING IN SEPTEMBER! Having wrong thoughts about Young Republicans! So many

9:23- Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews looking very grave. Folks on the floor, including folk in hockey jerseys, continue to dance to "Dancing in September." I wonder what a hockey dance party would look like...

9:26- Mike Huckabee, a true Tom Sawyer type if ever there was one, takes the stage. He's probably never watched a hockey game. Or has he? Is it possible?

9:27- What is all this bullshit about the "elite media?" The same elite media that employs Huckabee and lionized John McCain?

9:29- Huckabee congratulates Obama on his historic candidacy, etc...Weak applause. Much as I dislike Huckabee's fundamentalism (saying he'd change the Constitution to bring it more into line with the Big Man, etc.), he seems like a sincere guy. And he's undeniably funny. In an uber-corny sort of way.

9:32- Heroes in Hope, Arkansas while growing up? "Jesus, Elvis, and FDR. Not necessarily in that order." Nice line, gets some laughs, some faces clearly appalled at the friendly words about FDR. Obligatory rabble-rousing line about the wickedness of "European ideas."

9:34- Dig at Joe Biden. He just can't get no respect. McCain will protect voters from the evil menace of gays in legally recognized monogamous relationships.

9:36- Did you know that John McCain was a POW?

9:41- Keith says Huck's dig at Joe Biden (that more people voted for Sarah Palin for mayor of Wasilla than voted for Biden for President) is actually untrue. Oh, Huck. Such a kidder.

9:50- Men cleared from front of the floor. Women everywhere. If they're serious about getting the hockey vote, they need to fill the place with those Red Wings folk. Or give everyone hockey jerseys. And to think the Minnesota Wild play there...

10:01- Rudy Giuliani.

10:02- I agree with him on the "this is the most important election like EVARH" thing.

10:03- Oh God. America is controlled by Keith Olbermann and George Clooney. Break your chains, Americans! USA! USA!

10:05- Did you know John McCain was a POW?

10:07- "Community organizer...what?" HUH HUH HUH. "Chicago." BOOOOOOOO! People in the crowd chanting something incomprehensible.

10:09- The President needs to be the Decider. Complexity of thought is so not Deciderish. USA! "No legislation." What? Untrue, for God's sake.

10:12- Rudy really is a master of the rhetorical gross-out. "It's like Obama so doesn't have a strategy. He just talks about hope and shit."

10:14- McCain will reduce government? Would that include cuts to the Pentagon and the CIA?

10:15- A bunch of fat white men shouting "DRILL BABY DRILL!" in unison.

10:16- John McCain will eat terrorists Over Here and Over There.

10:17- Woman in crowd holding up sign: HOCKEY MOMS FOR MCCAIN. Could this be the beginning of something big?

10:18- Giving up on Iraq is like so giving up on America OMG.

10:19- Giuliani is correct about Obama's reversals on wire-tapping and public finance. Signs of his pragmatism, sure, but Obama's vacillating is a gift to demagogic idiots like Giuliani.

10:21- Obama wants to talk to Palestinians. BOOOOOOOOOO!!! McCain, on the other hand, will piss on Vladimir Putin's shoes and dine on Iranians. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

10:22- McCain and Palin will "open up the party" to new folk. That might be true. I'd like believe the GOP is a Reaganite big tent, but the evidence seems to show that you have to be either a rabid militarist or an evangelical Christian to flourish in today's GOP.

10:24- When the hell has Obama ever uttered a word about the cosmopolitanism (or lack thereof) of Palin's hometown? Crowd stirred up and screaming about their guns and Jesus.

10:25- Question: would Rudolph Giuliani ever live in Wasilla, Alaska? Does he spend much time hunting?

10:26- Rudy and the Republicans continue to just make shit up. I defy him to name ONE liberal commentator that's criticized Palin for abandoning her children to work as the VP. NO ONE OUTSIDE THE TABLOIDS IS MAKING THESE CRITICISMS! The problems serious people have with Palin are elsewhere. God I fucking hate this guy.


10:29- Hockey Mom takes the stage.

10:31- Crowd still cheering.

10:32- Lots of HOCKEY MOMS 4 PALIN signs.

10:33- Still waiting for a hockey reference in the Governor's speech.

10:34- "There's a time for politics, and a time to put our country first." Well what the fuck are you doing? Did the convention drag all those women to the front of the arena to fight terrorists?

10:36- Young Bristol's hockey-playing fiance looks profoundly uncomfortable.

10:40- Still no hockey.

10:41- Something about being proud of America, unlike that angry Negress Michelle Obama.

10:42- FINALLY! "You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick." The folks yuk, the Red Wings fans go wild. Sarah Palin has introduced hockey to the United States, not unlike Dolly Madison introducing feathered turbans.

10:43- Heh, heh, "community organizer." They help dirty poor Negroes. Mayors in Alaska help white people!

10:44- The obligatory San Francisco reference. Obama despises working people.

10:47- She took on the good old boys! She's a reformer! She supported the Bridge to Nowhere!

10:50- She prides herself on using executive power to erase popular legislation.


10:53- Sarah Palin wants to drill through the skull of a baby caribou.

10:54- Strangely, she doesn't mention nuclear power as a possible alternative source of energy. Obama did. France does it.

10:55- Lying again. Obama passed an ethics reform thingy and a thingy that makes government spending transparent for all to see. He's also authored legislation that would clamp down on the nuclear arms trade, though it hasn't passed.

10:56- What is it with Republicans and the Greek columns? Have they ever been to Washington DC? She's criticizing the roaring crowd that cheered Obama and absorbing cheers and roars from her own roaring and cheering crowd.

10:57- Lie, lie, lie, lie about Obama's energy policy and foreign policy. Say it enough times and it becomes true.

10:57- Accused "terrorists" don't have any rights! They're not human! HOORAY FOR TORTURE! Except for what happened to McCain, of course. The people who tortured McCain were sinister Fu Manchu Communists; we're Good People.

11:04- McCain was in the military, which means he should be President. Which means John Kerry and George McGovern should have been President. Which means...wait, serving in the military doesn't AUTOMATICALLY qualify you for the Presidency?

11:08- It's over. Wow. Three or four outright lies (I lost count) in one long batshit-crazy rant for the drooling base. She's gone from adorable moose-hunting hockey mom to total frothing-at-the-mouth tool in Mortimer Peacock's personal universe.

She likes to ban books. And she slashed funds for unwed teenage mothers. Class.

I reiterate:

Good God, Big Shooter's favorite man in the world, John Rich, is onstage with Cowboy Troy and Gretchen Wilson. I would so have that.


Maali said...

Man, at first I thought I was going to discover you were drinking the Kool-Aid, but you really brought it around nicely there! Well played. Also thanks for the recap. Saves me having to actually watch the speech.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I didn't want to have to sit through that crap.

Big Shooter said...

You are such a good little Dem, Morty!!

I haven't seen the speech yet. Had to get up waaaaay too early and work, so I went to bed.

The media for the most part seemed to like the speech. Our friend Morty must be in the minority...

Mortimer Peacock said...

I don't need to be in the majority, Shooter.

I realize most of the pundits praised the speech as a magnificent dream-bubble of wonder and unicorns. I realize I'm not like most people, but I just think she's Newt Gingrich with a vag and a Canadian accent.

Mortimer Peacock said...

P.S. Shooter-

I'm not a "Dem," I just realize that reality is slightly more complicated than cartoonish bullshit of Small Town Virtue vs. Big City Decadence, Right-Wing Ass Kicking vs. Liberal Pussydom, America (and our noble ally God) vs. Everyone Else, etc.

Big Shooter said...

I know, just as I am not a true Republican . Just trying to get you going in the morning!!!!

Razor Catch Prey said...

Wow, that's some bitter "Oh shit, Obama isn't going to win" Dem magic right there.

Seriously, if you didn't like that speech, you must have some pages of the Qu'ran shoved up your ass.

Morty, I disagree with just about every bit of your analysis, but I am also quite entertained by it, thanks for posting it.