Friday, February 13, 2009

The Chronicle Wants to Help You Get Laid

Now then.

It's that time of year. I hope you're enjoying that Manics cover of Frankie Valli on the right-hand side. Even though you all spend most of your waking hours reading the Chronicle, I'm sure many of our male readers have girlfriends, or at least girls you're interested in, and perhaps some of you even have wife action going on.

Your Chronicle editor is of two minds about the celebration of St. Valentine's Day. On the one hand, it represents an appalling commodification of love and romance, which totally blows. The commercials one sees every early February, telling you she won't do you unless you buy a teddy bear in biker pants or one of those totally-insane Pajamagrams, are a real disgrace, and I hope no such situation exists in real life. Do any of YOU have girlfriends/wives who trade sex for presents? I hope not.

But at the same time, your editor is a bit slushy, and enjoys any silly occasion to exchange candy, cards, and VD.

If you are looking to impress your damsel this weekend, look no further than the Chronicle's Consumer Guide to Valentine's Day Presents:

...I've got nothing. At least as far as candy and flowers are concerned (though flowers always get a positive reaction).

Don't buy a Vermont Teddy Bear. Do the old-fashioned thing and write her a sexy poem. Or better yet, just plagarize one out of this here anthology. It's full of good stuff, like this ancient Egyptian thing:

Her love awaits me on the distant shore.
The river flows between us,
crocodiles on the sandbars.

What's sexier than crocodiles? Hmmmm?

Lots of other good stuff in there, from the Egyptians and Greeks (no one's better than Sappho for lady-on-lady love) through the T'ang Chinese and Mughal Indians and Elizabethan English to our own American day.

The whole poetry angle (writing it or reciting it or copying it and pretending it's yours) got ladies into bed in former days. These days they just think you're gay (though the ones that are impressed still exist; you just have to look harder). So perhaps it's better to send her one of these classy/ridiculous French erotic postcards.


Anonymous said...

Encouraging unmarried kids to have sex? You should be ashamed.

FrenchCatalogues said...

No shame here.

FrenchCatalogues said...

A little levity folks

Mortimer Peacock said...


Please, please tell me this is a joke.

Surely you can't be the same Anonymous that gave me shit about Mathieu Schneider, the Reasoner-for-Cheechoo idea, Israeli war crimes and occasionally talking about politics. You can't ALL be the same person. I refuse to believe that single human being could be this tedious.

FrenchCatalogues said...

Who really cares either way because nobody is getting anything. Also, as nice as these things are Morty, I simply don't have the energy on the most pointless holiday ever. And if Anon isn't joking, well, I mean, I guess we're sorry, but we shouldn't kid ourselves in thinking that people are going to such an act on this day. The headline of the post should've said something in regards how to not to get Sean Avery's "sloppy seconds" and beat him to it.

Either way, I still want to read what Johnny Hughes the great author has to say about this.

FrenchCatalogues said...

aren't going to be doing*........ I mistype too too much

Mortimer Peacock said...

It's easily the worst and most pointless holiday.

The whole post was a joke/one long excuse for poetry propaganda, but evidently we've run into the most humorless person to ever live.