Monday, June 30, 2008

A Prayer on UFA Eve

O Hockey Gods,

We pray to thee in the light of the Great One and the Holy Czar and the Exalted Don Cherry,

The hockey fields in Atlanta are barren. The plants yieldeth no fruit and the grass withereth and the ice might as well melteth. Hast thou forgotten Jerusal--...Atlanta? The city this evening lieth in ruin. Were it not for the generosity and grace of our Holy Czar we would be as ashes of cow manure after being runneth over by a steamroller. If we repaireth not our fields nor buildeth again our city, the greedy and wicked Empire of the Bolts will surely trampleth on all Thrasher life that remaineth.

Send the Czar help in this most troubled of times. We beseech thee, O Hockey Gods, for the Czar is a good man, the Czar is a wise man. He deserveth the full glory that only thee can bestow. Bestow this glory by sending us the Soup of Ontario, the one that swims with sharks and weareth fierce red hair. While we're on the subject of sharks, send us also the one they call Cheechoo, he of the Rocket Richard Trophy from a place called Moose Factory. We realize that nothing is free, that we must make sacrifices on thine altar for the Cheechoo Train to come among us and water our fields.

We plead as well for a solid shut-down defenseman to aid the Soup of Ontario and the young Swede Tobias. Either the one they call Gator or the the one they call Free Candy would be fine. We beg thee also for Rolly of the Twin Cities. In fact, we demandeth Rolly of the Twin Cities. For he is a gifted center who seeth no reward for his labors, and he will serve the Czar well. Maketh it happen. For these gifts we will offereth our charity and taketh in Michael Ryder from the wind and the cold, for few now believeth in him and we have faith that he will rise from the dead.

Amen,
The Blueland Chronicle

My ideal scenario?

Kovalchuk - Rolston - Cheechoo
Kozlov - Christensen - Ryder
Perrin - White - Armstrong
Slater - Little - Thorburn/Recchi

Campbell - Orpik/Smith (same player, different age)
Enstrom - Havelid
Bogosian - Klee/X/Boris

Kari
Moose
Pavelec

How long, Lord, o how long?

5 comments:

Big Shooter said...

Amen.

Rawhide said...

A-FREAKIN'-MEN!!!!

Maali said...

Which Smith? Gator? Dude, I would move to Atlanta and live in Phillips if they signed Gator. Oh wait. That's probably not an enticing scenario. He is my #1 favourite player since Luuuuuuuuuuc retired (obviously I'm not counting goalies in that scenario - I'm talking skaters).

Also - YEAH! WHAT YOU SAID!

Big Shooter said...

Yes. I have been asking for Jason Smith since around 2001.

I hope this prayer makes it happen.

Mortimer Peacock said...

I definitely DO mean Jason Smith. He and Brooks Orpik are very similar players, so I'd be happy with either of them. Though Gator probably has more charisma.