Sunday, June 29, 2008


The ever-expanding Bolt Empire, Anno 1 of Emperor Melrose, has become a rapacious monster. Like all empires, it isn't content with seizing rich territories like Ryan Malone; once it has tasted conquest it has to continue its march of subjugation: now its fleet is surging up the northern Mississippi River and is apparently within shooting distance of the Twin Cities. The objective is to conquer Brian Rolston as well. 

Resist, Rolly. Be brave. You'll be rewarded with a front-line position marshaling the Atlanta Thrashers. Don't become a mere client state of the empire of the mighty Melrose/Saw torture porn dudes. Maintain your independence and make the right choice on July 1st. 

Puck Daddy is taking the cautious and sober line here. Quoth Daddy:
"The bottom line is this: Rolston wants to test the market, and could find a situation where he'd be a top-line player next season rather than a contributor in Tampa Bay [he'd be a top line player on the Atlanta fucking Thrashers. -editors]. If the Bolts find a way to get him into the fold ... well, after Malone and Roberts and potentially Rolston, let's just go ahead and add this to the Puck Daddy glossary: Drinking the Koules-Aid."

I never liked the Saw movies. Misogynistic and mindless torture porn, ideally suited to the age of Abu Graib and Guantanamo Bay (i.e. the age of the normalization of torture in American life), hilariously sent up by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino in Grindhouse

If Rolly signs with the Lightning...well, this becomes all-out war. Brian Campbell, come on down. 

ALSO: John Michael Liles has re-signed with the Colorado Avalanche. Brian Campbell, come on down. 

UPDATE: The Rolston crisis is an ongoing affair. It's presently 12:10 AM Eastern time, which means it's 10:10 PM Mountain time (the time zone in which the Minnesota Wild eat and play and copulate). This shit only became a story two hours ago, and I think it comes exclusively from the Wild beat writer. Though I may be wrong. Stay posted kids. I'm not in a state to follow a developing news item...drinking...

UPDATE: Now it's official. Ryan Malone has signed a contract with the Lightning that virtually defines excess. 7 or 8 million a year?!!!! That's Crosby-Ovechkin-Kovalchuk-Thornton money. Ri-fucking-diculous. Will the Bolts even have the money to sign Brian Rolston? I think not. 


Zach said...

Ok, there's only so much the Lightning can do here, right? They have a ton of money locked up already in Vinny, Boyle, Malone, and The Imp. Add to that the fact that they just brought back Prospal, and it doesn't really matter that the rest of their defensive corps and netminders make about the same as the evening shift at McDonalds.

Rolston is going to demand more than they have to offer. The only chance they have of signing him is if Melrose convinces him that they're going to make a legit run, then sign him to a 1 year contract for an artificially low price with an under the table promise to try to send him to a contender at the trade deadline if they fall short of their delusions of grandeur.

So fear not, we may still hold hope that Rolly will end up with the grinnin' boid on his chest come October. The prospect of playing with the Czar and turning in a 100+ point season with 85 or more assists will be a huge lure.

Mortimer Peacock said...

I think you're absolutely right. With Prospal, Bugsy, Vinny L., Boyle and The Imp (beautiful, just beautiful) on their payroll there's no way they'll land Rolston. The prospect of a massive season with the Czar is just too much to turn down. Amen and amen.