Friday, April 25, 2008

Liveblog! Dallas Stars vs. San Jose Sharks, Game One

Afraid my blogging on this one might be sporadic; I'll be too wrapped up in the action. Joe Thornton's on TV right now; he's a true mensch.

--Joey Thornton played a game of Risk the night before Game 7 against Calgary. Last night he played a card game. Jesus what a BMF.

--The puck drops!

10:13 PM- Joe T. makes an amazing pass to Michalek, doesn't go in. Damn it.

10:14 PM- What kind of name is Turco?

10:16 PM- Brian Campbell slides to block! Beautiful!

Mental health break:

10:23 PM- I predict Dallas will put up a big fight, but the Sharks are solid and intense so far.

10:24 PM- Michalek is faster than a slippery Holland Lop on rollerblades.


The only arena where it makes sense to play the Jaws theme.

10:26 PM- Fuck. Rivet takes a penalty. Fo on fo.

10:28 PM- Sharks are defending and back-checking better than I've ever seen. This is awesome. JR slides into the boards, some Star dude lays down on him and goes to sleep.

10:30 PM- Sweet Jesus, Ron Wilson is a sharp-dressed man. Someone reveal this man's tailor.

10:35 PM- Sharks outshooting the Stars like whoa. Sharks have fired five times I think, the Stars zero.

10:36 PM- Sharks penalized, Stars get a power play. Time for the Volkswagon again. I really dislike this ad campaign, I've decided. The "Avis is your other car" campaign is just totally uncool.

10:37 PM- The commercial with all the dogs on boats, on the other hand, is magnificent. Can't go wrong with canines. Or polar bears. Or canines and polar bears.

10:40 PM- Nabby and the Sharks kill the penalty and invade Stars territory. Charge!

10:41 PM- JR with a sweet shot but denied by Turco. JR's line fires several times, draws a penalty. Another power play!

10:45 PM- Sharkies miserable on that power play. Or maybe Dallas was good. Either way, no goal. That concludes the first period. Turco is good.

10:46 PM- Ovechkin commercial. "Thas how the Cup changes erything." Missed the small clip of Kovalchuk. Is it sad that I've memorized so many of the commercials on Versus?

First Intermission Musical Interlude (I'd like to dedicate this one to the Czar; stay strong, Kovy):

11:03 PM- Second period begins. Come on Sharkies!

11:04 PM- Nabokov.

11:06 PM- Nabokov again.


11:10 PM- I love Mike Grier. Get a goal, Mike! Shit. Sharks get a penalty. Dallas power play.

11:11 PM- Fuck Mike Modano. Fuck him right in the ear. Stars tie it 1-1.


11:37 PM- Big Shooter has just texted me; he's been attending the International Onion Festival in Vidalia, GA and he's told me to tell all of you, readers, that he really loves JR. He loves JR and he hates Mike Madonna, Marty Turco, Brenden Morrow, Brad Richards, and the rest. That is all.

11:42 PM- Second intermission. Flipping over to Bill Maher. Garry Shandling is on. Funny, funny man. Talking about Hillary. Har har har. God I hate the Stars.

11:49 PM- Arianna Huffington also on Bill Maher. What an irritating voice. Matt Taibbi too! One of my favorite political writers, and an influence on this blog. Conversation on the panel is a lot more thoughtful than I'd expected, given that everyone agrees with everyone. Maybe that allows for more nuance and subtlety than the regulation Left vs. Right nonsense.

Holy shit.

Ariana: "Bill's slept with more black women than Barack Obama."

Maher to Arianna: "At least my husband wasn't gay." OH SNAP!

11:53 PM- 3rd period about to start. Make us proud boys. Go Sharks go!

11:54 PM- Billy Jaffe doing some commentary. Big Shooter has seen him do the moonwalk naked.

11:56 PM- COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!

Stroke of Fucking Midnight- SHARKS ON THE POWER PLAY!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

12:03 AM- Another failed power play.

12:10 AM- Nice by Christian Ehrhoff. Stopped by Turco.

12:13 AM- JR nearly had it!!!

12:20 AM- THEY SCOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!! JONATHAN CHEEEEEEECHHHHHOOOOOO!!!!!!! What a violent, blazing scuffle in front of the goal. Neon lights of teal and green. Thanks Cheech!

12:26 AM- I'm tense. Madonna and co. are on a power play because, uh, Brian Campbell made a totally clean hit on some Star vagina. Nabby and the Sharks D holding up so far. COME ON BOYS! CLOSE THIS OUT!

12:28 AM- We're goin' tah Overtime.

12:40 AM- Outdoor enthusiast and ATV rider Chad Randell looks like a caveman. Seriously, what a frightening-looking guy.

12:43 AM- Overtime's about to begin. Lots of shots of Jonathan Cheechoo on the bench. Apparently a very religious man. The Sharks are a team of characters. Shot of a teenage couple in the stands hitting each other with teal-and-white pom-poms. Reminds me of why I love the Bay Area.

12:45 AM- Cheechoo kicking ass in the neutral zone. I bet Ronnie developed some brilliant strategy back in the locker room.

12:48 AM- Brenden Morrow. Goal. Game over. Stars lead series 1-0.

I want to see something like this:

Fuck you Stars.

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