Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Jeff Schultz Emerges From His Blog-Office

...sporting a handsome beard.

It was about a year ago this time when we presented our completely unscientific inaugural rankings of area sports teams...we’re back. This ranking isn’t based merely on projected win totals but also direction, leadership, structure, stability, coaching, drafts/recruiting, fan support, litigation and any time one co-owner calls another co-owner, “evil” (thank you, Bruce Levenson). So here we go, top to bottom, with last year’s ranking in parenthesis...

Admiring the Falcons:

1. FALCONS (3): Last year’s high ranking was based on the hiring of Thomas Dimitroff and Mike Smith. So we got something right. And then those two got everything right. The team fumbled a season-ticket renewal push before the playoffs. But could anything stop them from consecutive winning seasons? (There. I jinxed it.)

Oh, you. Next:

2. GEORGIA FOOTBALL (1): I guess it says something that the Bulldogs went 10-3, yet were viewed as the Hindenburg. Mark Richt lost Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno but more importantly kept assistant Rodney Garner, his key to recruiting, which leads to wins and money and, OK, sometimes false expectations.

Literally don't understand what any of that means. My problem, not Jeff's. For the benefit of Razor:

3. TECH FOOTBALL (4): Paul Johnson inherited players who were recruited for an entirely different offense, won nine games, beat Georgia, energized the fan base and didn’t act surprised about any of it. Should we be surprised he and Mike Smith are close friends? Maybe they can do something about General Motors.

Yup.

4. BRAVES (2): This winter was like watching Frank Wren work the Stardust Ballroom and every girl responding, “No, I don’t want to dance with you.” The spring optimism about the pitching staff – I witnessed that last year. This team still has more what-ifs than wows (Derek Lowe and Javier Vazquez as Nos. 1 and 2 starters?). Two big keys to success: 1) No exploding arms; 2) No exploding head on Jeff Francoeur.

Jeff loosens his tie to show he subscribes to the idea of a relaxed work environment:

5. HAWKS (5): Rick Sund admits he still isn’t sure what to make of the team. March (when the Hawks play 12 of 17 at home) needs to be better than the last two months (11-13). A playoff team? Yes. A fourth seed? Possibly. But Mike Bibby is doing most of it himself right now. Also, the spitting war in the executive suite precludes me from ranking them higher.

6. (THIS SPACE FOR LEASE.)


HY-OOHHHHHHHHH!

Skipping ahead, some business about basketball teams that aren't the Hawks, including the Atlanta Dream, who I'm pretty sure don't even exist. Finally:

10. THRASHERS (8): They have built only one thing since 1999. Debt.

Jeff adjusts his belt, inspects his loafers, and gives the thumbs-up sign. He returns to his office and closes the door.

3 comments:

tinheart said...

An NHL fan mocking a WNBA team for irrelevance is like Belgium mocking Hungary's military prowess.

jamestobrien said...

@ tinheart

Winter Classic > the WNBA's entire existence. Sorry, it had to be said.

I don't know much about this Schultz character, but that was a pretty good line.

Mortimer Peacock said...

Tinheart-

Now, now. Both Hungary and Belgium may not be what they used to be, but at one time Hungary was the seat of a somewhat decent empire and Belgium was ransacking the Congo.

I actually didn't mean to make fun of the WNBA. I'm all for the WNBA. In fact, I'd love to see a healthy and ferocious WNHL, with male puck bunnies. I was just making a point about the fact that, if the Dream do indeed exist, I never see anything in the AJC about them.