Thursday, June 18, 2009

Your Blueland Chronicle Guide to the NHL Awards

Ah, the greatest night of hockey kitsch in all the year.

This year's awards show promises to be memorable for a few reasons:

1) Jeremy Roenick is a presenter. JR + Las Vegas + live TV = possibilities are endless

2) Great decision by the NHL to send all its gap-toothed stars to Las Vegas, where they can get into amusing trouble. The Chronicle was going to send the Short Handed Mole to that wonderland of vice, for Coverage, but he's currently locked in a Trappist monastery in Kentucky and Vegas wouldn't be the best destination for him right now. Not for a rodent of his appetites.

3) Not only is it in Vegas; it's at the friggin' PALMS WOOOOOOO. Your editor once stumbled out of some back entrance/exit to Caesar's Palace one clear desert evening, hell-bent on wandering west from the Strip to find the Palms (for it's not on the Strip, sadly), but the person in his company was dispirited by the whole Vegas phantasmagoria of neon lights, fake world capitals, and unsightly tourists and just wanted to go back to our crumbling room at Circus Circus, like a lamer. So we went our own ways and it turned out to be an unfortunate evening.

OK, now your guide to the NHL Awards finalists in the categories where people get nominated instead of winning through badass statistics:

HART MEMORIAL TROPHY- Most Valuable Russian Player
- Pavel Datsyuk (Detroit Pistons)
- Evgeni Malkin (of the Stanley Cup)
- Alexander Ovechkin (do you realize Ovechkin will be loose at the Palms?)

Who Should Win: Evgeni Malkin
Who Will Win: Evgeni Malkin

VEZINA TROPHY- Best Goaltender
- Niklas Backstrom (Minnesota "We're WILD, I tell you! Playing trap hockey is WILD, MAN!")
- Steve Mason (Columbus ho hum)
- Tim Thomas (Bruins)

Who Should Win: Tim Thomas, because he really is that good.
Who Will Win: Steve Mason

NORRIS MEMORIAL TROPHY- Best Defenseman (a nebulous category)
- Zdeno Chara (50 points and 169 hits YES PLLZ)
- Mike Green (Caps)
- Nicklas Lidstrom (this man is a very important man)

Who Should Win: Zdeno Chara, because out of this group he embodies the best of both worlds. Awesome offense, terrifying defense.
Who Will Win: Lidstrom again, because he's dynasty. Don't get me wrong, he is a demi-god, but this year isn't his year.

-Bobby Ryan (Ducks)
-Kris Versteeg (Hawks)
- Steve Mason (Blue Jackets have wings, surely?)

Who Should Win: Bobby Ryan. Look, Mason IS great, but he was helped by an ultra-defensive system. I'd like to see YOU score 31 goals your rookie season. Mark my words and mark 'em good: Bobby Ryan is a future Rocket Richard winner. He'll be more important to the Ducks franchise than Charlie Conway and Adam Banks combined.
Who Will Win: Mason.

LADY BYNG MEMORIAL TROPHY- probably not an award Ilya Kovalchuk will ever win
- Pavel Datsyuk
- Zach Parise
- Martin St. Louis

Who Should Win: I'm sure they're all gentlemen, so...
Who Will Win: Who cares moving on

FRANK J. SELKE TROPHY- Best Defensive Forward
- Pavel Datsyuk
- Ryan Kesler (Vancoucer Canucks)
- Mike Richards (Flyers)

Who Should Win: This is the hardest one, because all three are excellent defensive forwards in their very different ways. Is Datsyuk's awesome stick-handling (ideal for poke-checking and take-aways) somehow better than Mike Richards' constant scoring of short handed goals, or Ryan Kesler's sheer relentlessness and ferocity? I don't know. I'd like to abstain from voting here, but I must finish what I've started: even though Ryan Kesler is my favorite out of this bunch (one of my favorite players in the league right now, really), I have to go with Datsyuk.
Who Will Win: Datsyuk.

JACK ADAMS AWARD- Coach of the Year
- Claude Julien (Bruins)
- Todd McLellan (Sharks)
- Andy Murray (Blues)

Who Will Win: Claude Julien.

BILL MASTERSON MEMORIAL TROPHY- wouldn't this one be better if it was the Bat Masterson Trophy?
- Chris Chelios (old)
- Steve Sullivan (no idea)
- Richard Zednick (had his throat slashed open and almost died)

Who Should Win: Zednick. He had his throat slashed open and almost died.
Who Will Win: Zednick.

LESTER B PEARSON AWARD- Outstanding Player, as voted by the NHL Players
- Datsyuk
- Malkin
- Ovechkin

Who Should Win: Malkin?
Who Will Win: Sources tell me everyone hates Malkin and Ovechkin, because of the Jealousy, and love Datsyuk, so there you go.


Wayne from AL said...

Gee, I wonder if there'll be a fire in the Versus production truck this year...

Wayne from AL said...

Did you see the awards show?

(Crickets chirping.)

Me neither.

Who the hell starts an awards show at 7 pm Eastern? Come to think of it, who the hell starts an awards show in Vegas at 4 pm LOCAL TIME???

Did they roundup an audience with the promise of a free buffet?

Mortimer Peacock said...


Yes, that was the worst thing I've ever seen. Ever.