Friday, October 15, 2010

A Children's Treasury of Boris Valabik Memories

It's been real. Stay cool, Boris.

From the Blueland Chronicle on the night of March 24, 2008:

I really don't understand what everyone is complaining about vis-a-vis Boris Valabik. I thought he was immense in that last game against the Caps; he fights and pushes and he's the size of a mastodon. I think he might well be a fine addition for next year. He'll need some serious preparation and conditioning given the disparity in style between the Thrashers and the Wolves, but I think this summer should be enough time to prepare, even if he joins the Wolves in their run for the Calder Cup. I like you Boris. Come and stay a while. Wreck a guy or two...

Thought experiment: what if we sign Jason Smith and he and Valabik play on a line together next year?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Jeezus, your editor was so naive. Not so much on Valabik (I don't regret giving the guy the benefit of the doubt at the beginning) but on Smith. True story: I once got Jason Smith's agent on the phone. That was hilarious.

From the Blueland Chronicle on the morning of September 29, 2009:

I really don't know about this Boris Valabik. His greatest asset, people keep telling me, is his size. Observable reality tells us he rarely uses this size in a constructive, non-horrendous-penalty-taking manner. It's obvious he can't clear the puck or make good passes (though we're also told he secretly has a hellacious slapshot, which we never see). I'm not trying to be cruel to the big fella (why would I do that? Why, if I ever approached Boris Valabik personally and said "What ho, Boris Valabik, why do you suck so much and what is it like, sucking so much?" he'd probably give me a thorough head-bending, and he'd be right to do it) but REALLY WHY IS HE HERE?

And my tune hasn't changed much since.

The highlight reel:

We wish the Badger of Bratislava the best of luck.


Hockey Haiku Writer said...

Large Slovak d-man
Amid red/brown spinning leaves
Kick his ass out, Rick.

j_barty_party said...

"Badger of Bratislava"...LOVE IT!

But not as much as I love Shooter's turret's-like outbursts on the internet!! Bon temps!

Anonymous said...

Pasting in my thoughts from ATBT, just in the awfully sad case that Taylor doesn't return to the comment thread.

HA HA! Shooter, you are gay for Sopel! I know your secrets. What will you say to Brent when he finally treads northward to Dahlonega only to discover your Ilya body pillow and matching "Kovy's the Kaptain (of my heart)!" jammies that you sport whilst in repose with your Russian Snow Leopard doll? I think it's time to put your IVK collectibles in storage and start a new I Heart SopeStar hobby that better aligns with the new love in your life.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that first "fight" vid is just uncomfortably wussy! Like some really poorly choreographed Monday Night Raw. Like Wednesday Night Medium Rare. In the world of fights, that one would be best described as a light tickling of the ivories.

Poor Boris - that's the first time I've ever seen the grizzly Crotchby Ball Bliffing. Unreal! What an absolute bitchbag he is.

I wish Boris all the best, even though he totally didn't "get" my "Czech yourself" t-shirt reference at Casino Night.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, i'm thinking that might be 'coz he's Slovak, NOT Czech, but i guess that's the same to you, since Canada and United states are also the same country... Uneducated people make me wanna gag

Anonymous said...

it kinda amazes me how different people can make different players look, well, different, before u go out calling Valabik a bitch and a pussy, perhaps u should have look at these. I'm a Wolves fan and let me tell u, players in this league FEAR Valabik like it's their job said...

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