Thursday, September 30, 2010

Facts About Ron Hainsey

So a few days ago Mr. Recaps---the proprietor of the fine analytical blog Thrashers Recaps---asked us Chronicle folk if we would be interested in compiling an epic list of "facts" about Ron Hainsey. The idea is humbly borrowed from Rudy Kelly's classic "Facts About Patrick Marleau" posts at the Battle of California, truly some of the funniest written material to ever appear on the Interwebs.

Here's our Hainseyfied version. Mr. Recaps supplied many facts, as did your TBC editor. We'll leave it to you to guess who came up with what (his are the super-funny ones). Mr. Recaps will be posting this EXACT same post on his blog sometime in the very near future, so hooray!

Without further ado...


One time Ron Hainsey shoutcasted a game on Sportsouth, but he stumbled over his words and accidentally kept calling the opposition the "Wed Rings".

Ron Hainsey walks in on other peoples conversations and asks what they're talking about.

Ron Hainsey's favorite MTV personality is Carson Daly.

Ron Hainsey watches MTV.

One time someone said something funny in the locker room and Ron Hainsey laughed too loudly and it became awkward. Since then, he has intentionally laughed loud at jokes to make it seem like that is his normal laugh.

Ron Hainsey always tries to pronounce foreign words in the accent of that language.

Ron Hainsey still confuses East and West.

One time during practice coach Anderson said "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle". Ron Hainsey had never heard that phrase before and got so confused that he spent the rest of the practice trying to figure out how that was even possible.

Ron Hainsey wears a onesy to bed.

Ron Hainsey once took part in a medical study. He was the 1% that experienced nausea and vomiting.

Colton Orr once challenged Ron Hainsey to a fight, and during the arguing that ensued Hainsey pretended that he didn't understand that Orr wanted to fight and skated off to the bench.

Ron Hainsey reads books in the evenings.

Ron Hainsey likes the Olive Garden commercials.

Ron Hainsey saw the 1998 film 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain in the theater. He was 17.

Ron Hainsey claims to have invented the Ove Glove.

Ron Hainsey owns a wide collection of lufas.

Ron Hainsey has Word 2007 and accidentally saves all his files in docx format. Everyone gets mad at him because they can't open his files.

Ron Hainsey played the clarinet in high school marching band, but none of the band kids wanted to hang out with him.

When Ron Hainsey has lunch with someone, he is terrified of getting food stuck in his teeth and goes to the bathroom multiple times to check.

Ron Hainsey has recently been depantsing everyone in the locker room and proclaiming "WEEEE!!!" Several team members have repeatedly told him to stop.

Ron Hainsey claims that leap year is a conspiracy created by the calendar industry to force us to buy new calendars every year. He has given several controversial seminars on the subject.

Ron Hainsey keeps a small blue stuffed dolphin on his desk. When people ask him about it he tells them it’s his “spirit animal.”

Ron Hainsey wakes up every morning, gazes into the mirror, and says, “Remember who you are.”

Ron Hainsey rarely addresses anyone directly, but when he does he calls people “buddy,” which makes everyone feel weird.

Ron Hainsey often sits in the corner of the locker room humming songs from the first five Van Halen albums.

Ron Hainsey sometimes reminisces about how he “used to fuck ALL KINDS of fat chicks.”

Ron Hainsey has been known to sit quietly through team meetings and then suddenly exclaim, “JEEZUS, this is boring!” It can be very startling.

Ron Hainsey had a totally sweet personal shopper named Craig until the Great Recession hit.

Ron Hainsey has been known to pull out his iPhone and look at, muttering under his breath about “investments.”

Ron Hainsey was so excited when he got a Gibson Les Paul for Christmas one year.

Ron Hainsey taught himself to play “Johnny B. Goode.”

Ron Hainsey often wonders when he can finally quit this hockey gig and buy a vineyard.

Ron Hainsey has been known to make Ondrej Pavelec uncomfortable by talking about his bong and doing inept impressions of a stoner.

Ron Hainsey didn’t know whether to feel flattered or embarrassed when his hairdresser said, “You know who you look like? The little guy in Lord of the Rings? He also played Batman, right?”

Ron Hainsey was once having a conversation with Tobias Enstrom. At some point Enstrom said something Hainsey couldn’t quite make out, but he nodded along anyway and pretended to understand. It turns out Toby was asking him a question. Ron just sat there nodding and chuckling and going “Yeah, haha, yeah, I know, mhmm” while Toby waited for his answer.

Ron Hainsey once went to Kinko’s and had several “Ron Hainsey, Esq.” business cards printed.

When asked by a journalist why the Thrashers won some game one time, Ron Hainsey responded, “It’s the moon, isn’t it? It’s the moon. Yeah...” His voice trailed off into a whisper and he walked away saying “it’s the moon, it’s the moon” over and over.

Ron Hainsey keeps a mini-fridge in his locker.

For the life of him, Ron Hainsey doesn’t understand why he can’t also keep a mini-bar in his locker.

Ron Hainsey doesn’t have a pool but regularly describes “my pool” because no one on the team has ever been to his house.

Ron Hainsey regularly calls Zach Bogosian “Cliff,” even though Bogo has corrected him several times.


Unknown said...

lol cliff

Mr. Speaker said...

Wow, that was a lot of brainstorming!! Nicely done. I especially like the one about Enstrom asking him a question. He probably can't hear people through his thick coiffe of curls.

Jay said...

Ron Hainsey doesn't wear underwear, just a cottonball and a rubberband.

Everytime Johnny Oduya talks to him, Ron Hainsey always responds with "Oduya?"

Ron Hainsey likes puppies and rainbows.