Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Screw It, Let's Just Cold Live Blog This Ball Gag of a Game

- As I start this here live-blog (or, as I prefer to think of it, this "love-blog"), I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge that the Thrashers are losing 3 to fucking 0 at the end of the 1st Period. Matt McConnell is all like, "Well they're fragile" and Darren Eliot is getting progressively drunker. John Anderson has projectile vomited all over the place and Olympian Ondrej Pavelec (through not much fault of his own) has been chucked from the game in favor of Moose Hedberg. We're well on our way to losing 6 in a row. This is straight-up bullshit, dude.

- Before the 3rd Boston goal Big Shooter and I were talking about how awesome Pavel Kubina is. He's perhaps the only great man on the team, aside from Enstrom, Moose, and Kovalchuk. And the rest of them at the beginning of the season. How did this team become so bad? Oh hey Thrashers on the power play woooooooo

- Kovy with a hellacious one-timer that just cold bounces off this one dude and misses the net. Boston nearly scores short-handed but Moose is like NOOOOOOO.

- 1st period ends. Let the John Anderson blitzkrieg begin.

- How about that Team Canada, hmmmmm? Does Duncan Keith's chemistry with Brent Seabrook mean that he can't play with forgotten men like Jay Bouwmeester or Mike Green? Who is Patrice Bergeron anyway? Oh, a member of the team that's currently dining on our anguish. Darren Eliot looking sharp.

- I think I'm going to make a documentary called "My Team Canada," all about how I'm not certain about Brent Seabrook being an Olympian. It will be a harrowing portrait of human relationships and attachments.

- Still intermission. I wonder what kind of objects are being thrown/punched/burned alive in the visitors' locker room over at TD Garden. To entertain ourselves, here's a picture of a woman and a journalist dog:


- OOOOOH 2nd period.

- That Thrashers power play was an ill-bred swamp cur.

- Now, normally the Thrashers just suck all the time. But this season, they started off pretty well, then started to suck. Normally, when teams are reasonably good but go through a rough patch, they do something fairly radical to shake things up. Some teams fire coaches. Some teams fire entire front offices. Some teams, like the Columbus Blue Jackets, make a trade. The Thrashers have decided that the extra spark the boys needed was benching Todd White.

- Needless to say it isn't working. So far. Whoa hey Bruins power play, because of Colby "Marian Hossa" Armstrong.

- Two Thrashers, who I think were Evander Kane and Rich Peverley, had a damn fine short-handed chance but it didn't work.

- Sweet Jesus, another penalty. This time it's Nik "Yuri Andropov" Antropov.

- Boston penalty, 4 on 4, you all know what this means. What does it mean? Thorburn and the Party had a good chance but, etc.

- Oh I get it. The Thorburn-Reasoner shorthanded bid LED TO Chara's penalty. Funny how hockey works.

- Great big 3-on-1 play for Boston, which leads Christoph Schubert to be all "uh oh" and take a penalty. We will be on the penalty kill forever.

- Moose is, as ever, solid. It's criminal lunacy that he wasn't selected for Team Sweden. I mean, who is Jonas Gustavsson anyway?

- What a save. What a save.

- Thrashers just cold murdered that penalty. Kovalchuk and Antropov are out and about. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? It's a bizarre mystery.

- Some surly Bruin had a breakaway but was stopped by one of Moose's patented way-out-of-the-net Moose-checks.

- Idea for a National Geographic documentary: "Defensive Responsibility: What Is It and Where Does It Live?"

- Another one? ANOTHER ATLANTA PENALTY? Pavel Kubina to the box, Bruins to the power play, me to hopelessness.


- Well, they are killing it so far.

- Haha Mark Recchi remember him? OH LOOK FAMOUS TEAM CANADA MAN PATRICE BERGERON SCORES A GOAL, FOR PLEASURE.

- Is this the natural final state of the Thrashers before their inevitable entropic heat death? Kovalchuk playing awesomely (though not, alas, in this game) and everyone else mouldering? I mean, really? There's a terrible feeling of decline and fall in the air.

- End of 2nd period. Oh woe, woe betide.

- Presented without comment:


- So, Jeremy Morin, what's the deal with him, hmm? I interviewed him back in the day, but everyone (including our own Big Shooter) says the poor man can't skate. How does this happen?

- Just to clarify: when I interviewed him I didn't ask him about his skating.

- Because that might have been rude. But journalists are supposed to be a bit rude. What ever happened to the days of the whiskey-soaked, tobacco-inhaling journalist chasing down some scathing exposé or hell-raising, muck-raking story that might put him (I use this pronoun because back in the day almost all journos were teh Men) at risk, but he's all "Oh I don't care, I'm a journalist?" I'm looking at YOU, "Fast" Willy Tiller!

- Blake Wheeler, a former Santiago Swine. Who are the Santiago Swine, you ask? They are 1) only the greatest team in Blueland Chronicle Fantasy League history, and 2) one of the teams that will come into the NHL when it expands to Latin America.

- If Marty Reasoner and James van Riemsdyk had a kid it would be named "James van Reasonerdyk." It would be a lesbian.

- WAHAHAHA RIEMSDYK. RIEMSDYK. Say it again.

- I'm not sure why I'm thinking of James van Riemsdyk.


- Thrashers were on the power play a while ago, for Comedy.

- This Thrashers season is like being led on by a charming, intelligent, and attractive girl and then not only blown off, but blown off and thrown in front of a steamroller, and not only a steamroller but a fast one with hydraulics.

- Slava Kozlov, remember him? His hand appears to be hurt.

- Why am I even watching this game, much less love-blogging it? Whoa hey it looks like the Thrashers are going to end this malfunctioning pneumatic donkey punch of a game on a pretend power play.

- Aaaaaaaand that just about does it for Thrashers hockey in the 00s. A fitting finishing touch to a decade of shame.

17 comments:

Mr. Speaker said...

Do they ever hit the fucking net from the blueline anymore?? It's not like we've got Holmstrom and Franzen waiting for the carom off the wall to bang it home in front of the net!! When was the last time we scored off an actual tip deflection of a long wrister or slapshot? How about never?

GoPuckYourself said...

Heard rumors again today from (you already know who) that the team was moving to Canada in 2011.

Honestly, I hope people in Canada watch this team right now, see what we're dealing with, and say "Eh, I think we're okay, eh. Thanks anyways."

Mortimer Peacock said...

Guys! SO glad you're here for the party.

Mr. Speaker said...

What?? And miss gems like "dining on our anguish" and "harrowing portrait of human relationships and attachments"?? NEVER!

Mortimer Peacock said...

Yo Mr. Speaker, French Cats and myself and some other people were at FunTime Bowling last night. I was pining for you.

Mr. Speaker said...

Damn you! How dare you fun-time all night and not at least text us!? I hope you were with chicks at least.

Looks like LIttle, Kozzy and Slater are the only ones who actually give a rat's rectum about this game...still not enough net presence and crashing.

So did you make any marked improvement Mr. Peacock? I just whipped my buddy Greg Peacock (weird coincidence eh?) in WII bowling 184 to 126! Suck it Greg!

Mortimer Peacock said...

We were, at least, with chicks. But that's beside the point: I would like to unilaterally declare another bowling night outing, including all of us.

GPY-

You should come as well.

Mr. Speaker said...

Wow, golden chance summarily vomited on by young Kane...drats!

Mr. Speaker said...

4 on 4 is like poison this year...no concept of defense or how to back-check...I'd rather be short-handed and pressure their point men hoping for some break-outs...wow, this is making me physically ill. Welp, more beer!

Mr. Speaker said...

I'm afraid I can't watch anymore of this without getting nauseous. I'll keep checking in for some tongue-in-cheek barb tossing! Bring it on Morty!

Mr. Speaker said...

REEEEEEEMS DYYYYYYYYYKE!!!

Mr. Speaker said...

Yep! That pretty much sums it up...a decade of shame indeed.

GoPuckYourself said...

I wonder if Todd White can platoon at first base with Troy Glaus?

Jay said...

How many times can a goalie get pulled in the 1st period? Hedberg has more relief appearances this year than Mariano Rivera. This team needs a big shakeup. Trade White, Slater, Boulton or something. I'm sure Kovy is thanking God he hasn't signed a contract yet and be forced into a decade more of this. I wish being a fan worked the same way as being a player. After a few years, you can be a free agent and decide on what team gives you the best chance to win and be happy. I'm eyeing the Blackhawks right now as a team I would like to give my fandom to. Although watching Huet in goal would bring back the nervous ticks I get watching the Thrashers play.

Wayne stuck in AL said...

To quote Marvin Gaye: Make me wanna holler/Throw up both my hands.

Mutton Sourdough said...

Jay - I certainly wouldnt hold it against you for testing the free agent waters of fandom. Especially with the Thrashers playing like, well... the Thrashers here of late.

Its been a quiet in Thrasherville, my hometown. Nobody wants to talk about the skid the team has been on. However, it could just be that: a rough month, so Ill at least wait until we see what January and Febtober bring before I take a harder look at fandom free agency.

Mortimer Peacock said...

Jay, Mr. Sourdough-

I hear y'all's. Last season, at some point (can't be bothered to look up the link), I demanded on this here blog to be traded to the San Jose Sharks. It might be time to demand another trade...and you're right, Chicago is looking pretty good right now. Remember Marian Hossa?