Monday, August 11, 2008

The Chronicle's August Guide to the NHL

Greetings loyal readers. This is of course the hated month of August. The playoffs are a distant memory. The draft is done, and the free agent frenzy has died off. Training camp won't start for another month, and October seems woefully distant. But that doesn't mean that we should resign ourselves to a hockey free existence.

To help you get through the off season doldrums, we here at the Chronicle, over the next few weeks, will present our own unique thoughts on each team in the NHL and why we love them, hate them, or pity them. Occasionally we may take a day off for a tangent on an individual player, aspect of the game, or other random thought.

I will start things off today with my thoughts on the Dallas Stars. I feel certain that Big Shooter and Morty will chime in with their own take on the evil zombie that once was the benevolent Minnesota North Stars franchise. Tomorrow I will let one of my colleagues pick the topic of the day and will add my thoughts to theirs.

So with the introductions out of the way, let's begin.

As I have recently stated, I love the state of Texas. I lived there when I was young and have always felt a kinship with the Lone Star State and Texan culture. It is where the best barbecue, mexican food, and music are found. So it would stand to reason that the Dallas Stars would be one of my favorite teams in the NHL.

Not so.

I will spare you a retelling of the Stars past, in part because in deference to Shooter who will undoubtedly take joy in spitting venom on the memory of the Stars teams that forged a fierce rivalry with his beloved Oilers in the late 90's. Instead, I will focus on the Stars of today and impart upon you, dear readers, the reasons why they deserve our animosity.

Now, I will give credit where credit is due. I like all the superficial aspects of the Dallas franchise. Their marketing has been excellent, and having a winning franchise in Dallas has made Texas love hockey. I wish that I could love the Dallas Stars, because I am envious of the fans who can proudly wave the green tinted Lone Star flag with the gold star. That's just one of the coolest pieces of merchandising that I've ever seen. However, it is the players that darken the Dallas locker room that make it impossible for me to cheer for them unless they're playing the Red Wings. Or maybe the Habs.

Let us start with the most obvious target. Mike Modano. I used to like Mikey. Mostly because he played for Team USA in international tournaments, and it is very difficult for me to find it in my heart to dislike anyone from the 1996 US World Cup of Hockey team. But two years ago, Mike Modano killed all respect I ever had for him. After turning in a pathetic performance playing for his country at the Turin Olympics, this little piss-ant had the gall to rant to the media about the folks at USA Hockey. Keep in mind that most of the people who work for USA Hockey are volunteers. They have very few paid employees. But Mike Modano felt that they deserved a public reprimand because he had to make his family's travel arrangements on his own.

Apparently using takes a lot out of a professional athlete. So much that MM could only muster two points throughout the games.

The Stars got more diabolical at the trade deadline this past year by picking up Brad Richards. This guy just looks like a prick, and I've heard from folks who knew him off the ice, the appearance is not at all deceiving.

Unsatisfied with their already impressive level of douchebaggery, the Stars made headlines this offseason by acquiring none other than Sean Avery. This guy has so little respect for the game of hockey that the Kings organization openly expressed their chagrin at having him as a part of their franchise long before he became the impetus for new rules in the NHL forbidding behavior that any four year old would have known was inappropriate for someone engaged in sports. I am all for getting under the skin of goalies, especially Martin Brodeur, but Avery earned that punctured spleen during this year's playoffs.

And then, perhaps the crowning jewel of them all. Mike Ribiero. If you don't understand why I reserve the most hatred of all for this former Hab, then try to think back to the playoffs three or four years ago, when he put on this impressive display of sportsmanship:

I actually like Marty Turco, though I can't really figure out why. He just seems like a decent guy who doesn't realize that he plays for an evil team. Perhaps he will figure it out some day and sign with Colorado to ease their embarrassment that is sure to ensue when they start the season with Andrew Raycroft and Petr Budaj holding their goaltending hopes.

All in all, as much as I would love to be a fan of a franchise in Texas, I detest the Dallas Stars, and I hope you do too.

For the Chronicle, I'm Razor Catch Prey.


Big Shooter said...

You no good, lousy, worthless SOB.

How could you decided to do something like this and then pick the Dallas Stars to write about first?

Everyone knows I hate the Stars more than every other single human being combined. The honor of bashing the Stars should have gone to me.

Now I'm pissed!

And yes, Mike Madonna is a piss-ant!!!

Mortimer Peacock said...

Obviously, the Stars are Public Enemy #1 in my personal universe after the playoffs last year.

It's not just Brad Richards that looks like a prick. THE ENTIRE TEAM is full of guys who just look like pricks: Morrow, Modano, Zubov, Ribero (or however you spell it; I can't be bothered to find out).

Imagine what they'll be like with Sean Avery.