Saturday, May 16, 2009

Just Off the Wire! Short Handed Mole Reports for the Blueland Chronicle World Service!


NEW DELHI- Short Handed Mole Reports is reporting that the ruling Congress Party's massive victory in today's Indian elections bodes well for hockey on the Subcontinent. If the half-Italian and Catholic Rahul Gandhi assumes the premiership (current prime minister Manmohan Singh is old as hell and probably won't continue in his post for much longer), something observers say is increasingly likely given his pedigree (his great-grandfather being the great Indian prime minister Jawaharlal Nehru, his grandmother being Indira Gandhi, and his father being Rajiv Gandhi, who married an Italian chick).

Rahul Gandhi has indicated several times, sources tell Short Mole Handed Mole Reports, that he wants to use both subsidies and business incentives to encourage the development of men's and women's hockey in India. In fact, the development of hockey will likely be the first initiative on his agenda when he officially accepts the PM position. The Congress Party's interest in this matter stems from a realpolitik drive to keep India strong and competitive among its neighbors and in the global economy. As the Russian economy collapses and the Chinese become ever-more-inscrutable, and as old enemy Pakistan descends into Nuclear Religious Hell Feces, the Congress Party figures it wise to establish a nation-wide hockey league to compete directly with Russia's KHL, thereby shoring up India's economy against the instability of its region.

The encouragement of a popular imported sport might also be meant as an Up Yours to the defeated parties, the religio-nationalist BJP (heroes of fascist clowns everywhere) and the communist-filled Third Front, which has recently blocked an Indian Hockey League and other economic reforms. 

During the election campaign the Congress Party even used a poster bearing the image of a women's hockey team as a sign that they were Dead Serious about this Hockey stuff.



Oh, they mean FIELD hockey! Forget everything I just said.

Also:

STOCKHOLM- Former Atlanta Thrasher Niclas Havelid has just signed a contract with Linkopings of the Swedish Elite League. Your reporter used to cover Linkopings for his independent wire service, and he thinks Havelid should fit in just fine there, the end.

For the Blueland Chronicle World Service, I'm the Short Handed Mole.

2 comments:

Thrashers Recaps said...

Does the one in the lower left have a unibrow?

Mortimer Peacock said...

Wow. GREAT work, SHM. I look forward to more reports like this.

Mr. Recaps-

She has a unibrow and plenty else besides. Must be on their checking line. But all women are beautiful, even the fearsome behemoths among them...