Saturday, January 24, 2009

Liveblog! ALL STAR SKILLS THING EDITION

7:01
This game is totally on TV right now. I was reading the Wikipedia entry on Montreal the other day...my, how I want to visit there. Big Shooter has already done just that, being a man of the world, but I'm not familiar with the Underground Magic City of McGill University and the Bell Centre.

7:02
Holy shit Joe Thornton and Jarome Iginla sitting in the same corner of the locker room. Can anyone say "HOTTT!"?

7:03
Joe Thornton talking to Chris Simpson. He's one chilled out dude. Joe just pointed at Chris' tits and made some excuse for pointing them out to everyone on the other side of the TV screen. Something about the English language. What a sexist bastard.

7:04
Some band with a chick lead singer playing U2's "Vertigo" (not one of their finest songs, in my opinion)...

7:04
Oh my God some crazy guy on an organ-like machine. PLEASE LET IT BE MEAT LOAF!

7:05
EHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Canadians like their moose noises.

7:05
Not Meat Load on the organs. That's some too bad, man.

7:06
What happened to the Hives? Your Chronicle witnessed the Hives in the naked flesh at last year's All Star Skills Tournament. Who are these crazy sinners?

7:07
OOOOOOH I'M BI-LINGUAL. VIVA MOI!

7:08
Introducing the players. Keith Tkachuk is still bald. Iginla gets a big cheer. Ryan Getzlaf looks like a guy who could murder your mom. Patrick Marleau=puppy on ice. Joe Thornton looks like he just smoked a quality joint. Shane Doan is God.

7:09
Scott Niedermayer is soooooooooo olllllllllllllllllllllllllllllld. He looks a bit like a geography professor.

7:10
Bon soir, Jean-Sebastien!

7:10
Ladies and gentlemen, we've sighted Thrash. He was giving Sheldon Souray a hellacious cheer. He's sitting with the common people.

7:11
Patrick Kane looks a bit like Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. Shooter and Monsieur don't like his long hair; I do. Why is this?

7:11
Vincent Lecavalier gets an amazingly loud and ferocious cheer. Wonder if he'll be playing in Montreal soon? Great French-Canadian playing in Montreal. Needs to happen.

7:12
Ovie kicks ass.

7:13
Eric Staal=boring.

7:13
Heatley gets a mix of boos and cheers. Tomas Kaberle gets booed like a mofo.

7:14
The Czar looks handsome, gets a reasonably good crowd reaction. He is the Czar, after all.

7:14
Thomas Vanek has a faux-hawk.

7:15
The Bruins are getting booed like whoa. Chara is hated. Savard more so, perhaps.

7:15
Here come the Canadiens. WOOOOOOO VOILA LES GENS AIMENT LES CANADIENS!!!! ET MOI ET MOI ET MOI

7:18
OMG Marc Savard is talking into a haunted microphone tube in his ear. He's speaking to North America, in English, from his place on the ice. How is technology possible?

7:20
Zach Parise is talking to the continent as well. From the ice. Big Shooter has a serious crush on Zach Parise.

7:21
Fastest skater competition about to begin. Big Shooter going on about how badly he wanted Zach Parise on the Thrashers. Seriously folks, can you imagine how even more awesomer he'd be if he played under John Anderson or Lindy Ruff or some such man?

7:23
Speed competition a bit different this year. You all know that. Parise is talking to us again.

7:24
Jeff Carter. Oh who cares? We'll check back in after the skating thing.

7:28
WOOOOO Andrew Cogliano is super-fast. The Thrashers could have owned that man. Or Devin Setoguchi. Or Marc Staal. Or Anze Kopitar. Or Martin Hanzal. Or Marc-Eduord Vlasic. Or Paul Stastny. 2005 draft. Look it up. Alex Bourret and Chad Denny. WOOOOOO

7:29
Alex Ovechkin sitting right next to our Czar. Those two are so adorable together. Ovie LOVES hitting his head on things.

7:31
BIENVENUE À MONTRÉAL!

7:39
omg DID YOU KIDS SEE MARTIN ST. LOUIS ON THE BREAKAWAY CHALLENGE? He pulled all manner of balletic craziness. I have a new respect for him. Highly imaginative stuff.

7:41
Steven Stamkos is not impressing the Chronicle. Ryan Getzlaf was more interesting. So far no one compares to Marty St. Louis.

7:41
Ovechkin finally. Let's watch.

7:42
YES. YES. EVERY SO OFTEN A HOCKEY PLAYER REALLY DELIVERS. Malkin dressed Ovie in crazy hat and sunglasses (complete with Canadian flag flapping in the wind) while Kovalchuk looks on and laughs. Joe Thornton is tripping balls.

7:44
You have GOT to respect Ovie's use of props. Showman and genius. Big Shooter would like to announce he's replacing Big Georges Laraque with Ovechkin. As in Ovie's taken BGL's spot in his heart. All things change.

7:49
Carey Price standing around with Chris Simpson, who just used the word "sucks" on live American television. Where's the FCC? They need to force her to mop floors at Pinkerton headquarters, for her sins.

7:50
Kovy and Ovie still sitting together like they're bestest friends or something. Gordie Howe suddenly on the TV screen, looking like a decrepit English duke on Bond Street.

7:52
Young Stars Game about to start. HOLY SHIT THAT'S LUC ROBATAILLE, COACHING THE ROOKIES.

7:56
Bryan Little NEARLY scored a goal. He and Setoguchi and Cogliano are all playing on the very same team. How awesome is that?

7:57
Bryan Little nearly scored, once again. Stamkos scores, dammit, and the Rookie are handing it to the Sophomores.

8:03
Ilya Kovalchuk has an excellent taste in clothing. A real sense of style. Seriously, look at his gear on the All Star webpage thing. LOOK HERE, AND KEEP CLICKING 'TIL YOU SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE.

8:04
Marc Staal, who's a member of the Staal family, just scored a goal and the Sophomores are learning how to cope with a post-industrial economy.

8:05
Jesus, Versus is almost as bad as Sports South. Mason Raymond just scored for the Sophomores and their cameras were too busy eating clay to notice. Anyway, Stamkos just scored again AHHHH WHO CARES

8:07
Luke Schenn scores. Rookie trouncing Sophomores. Setoguchi nearly set Little up for a goal, but it did not happen. Uh sad, uh sad.

8:09
OK. The Young Stars Game is cute, but why can't this thing finish up and move back to the actual All Stars? The Staal family is SO blonde. Blonde. BLONDE.

8:11
Grandma trout porn, says Monsieur Catalogues. "Grandma, she fists those trouts," remarks Big Shooter.

8:11
Pat LaFontaine on the TV machine. He thinks he's helping sick children by defecating on their brains with video games.

Kidding. Good man for doing what he does. At some place called St. Justine Hospital, or something. If your Chronicle editor ever has a daughter, her name will be Justine. Seriously. YOU THINK I'M LYING? YOU CALLIN' ME A LIAR? I AIN'T NO...

8:13
Little and Setoguchi belong together. Can we please trade Chad Denny for OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LITTLE PASSES TO SETOGUCHI AND THEY SCOOOOOORRRRRE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

8:14
Little and Setoguchi. Together. Wow.

8:15
Cogliano nearly scores, doesn't. Damn fate.

8:17
Drew Doughty has a nice shot. The Rookies are so winning this game. Big Shooter would like you all to know that he thinks Pat LaFontaine should be honored with a national American holiday, in the United States. His service on the fields of New Orleans and Bull Run and Verdun and My Lai demands it.

8:19
Dude on the TV screen says that our Bryan Little is the Young Stars MVP. I would dig that, but that's just's can't's be right. It's not, in fact. Blake Wheeler rather.




Even fisting.



8:29
Mark Messier on TV, bald. Talking about (aside from "OOOH I'M MARK MESSIER") dining with the President. BUT HE'S NOT EVEN AN AMERICAN CITIZEN! How dare he? Big Shooter claims that Razor Catch Prey doesn't find Carrie Milbank attractive. I find this hard to believe. If true, I think our friend RCP needs electro-shock therapy.


At least three out of your four Chronicle scribes appreciate her.

8:34
The Czar trying to interfere with Marc Savard's haunted hell microphone. Savard pushes him away in cold fury.

8:35
Kovy time. Excuse me.

8:37
Fact: Dany Heatley has an A on his jersey. Ilya Kovalchuk has a C.

8:38
Players competing in the Accuracy Contest are compelled to destroy McDonald's and hate global monopoly capitalism and advocate a more health-conscious style of eating.

8:39
DO IT, THE CZAR! DO IT!

8:40
The Czar got 3 of the bastards. Apparently Heatley went 4 for 4. Ugh. GO SAVVY! The man's a passer, he and I say.

8:43
Can you imagine Joe Thornton and Keith Tkachuk passing pucks to the Czar on a regular basis? Imagine that line: Kovalchuk-Thornton-Tkachuk. WOOOOOO

8:45
Malkin beats Heatley. Good. Savard is talking up a storm. Malkin wants to replace all McDonald's restaurants with Russian coffee houses.

8:54
Shea Weber is a badass. A bad badass. Big Shooter is predicting that Sheldon Sourray is going to clock in around 106. We'll see.

8:55
Sheldon Sourray. Let's see. Hm. He's disappointed Big Shooter.

8:56
Chara's slapshot is hellacious. 105! JESUS.

9:01
Tim Thomas is quaking in his pads. He was supposed to face all the scary Russians: Malkin, Ovechkin, and Kovalchuk. But he traded Kovalchuk for Kovalev blah blah blah....what's going to happen in the Elimination Shootout? Let's watch.

9:02
DO IT SHANE DOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT! SHANE DOAN! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SHANE DOAN SCORES ON LUNDQVIST! WOOOOOOO!!!

9:03
Zach Parise. DE-NIED BY BACKSTROM.

9:03
Dustin Brown has failed. Very nice move, didn't geterdun.

9:04
Toews has returned to the locker room in abject shame.

9:04
Niedermayer scores, but the refs say he didn't.

9:05
Sourray scores five-hole. WOOOOOO

9:06
Chara misses. Savard? SCORES! Man he's talking again.

9:07
Patrick Marleau eats Backstrom alive.

9:07
Heatley DOES NOT score. WOOOOOO

9:08
Kovy doesn't score. Why? Why? WHYYYYYYYY?

9:09
Savard: "Yeah."

9:10
Big Shooter: "Timmy Thomas is not going to let in a single goal tonight."

9:10
Oh man, it must suck to be Mark Streit. He just fell. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. HA.

9:11
Nothing, not even gingers, get past Timmy Thomas. Starting goalie for Team USA in 2010?

9:12
Marc Savard is 31, looks 12.

9:13
Mike Modano is teh suck.

9:13
Joe Thornton: "Dude, what?"

9:13
Ryan Getzlaf with a wondrous move, but Timmy is TOO good.

9:14
Timmy de-nies Malkin.

9:15
Now that I think of it, Patrick Kane needs to cut his hair.

9:15
WAHAHAHAHA Thomas traded Kovalchuk for Kovalev and Kovalev scored on him oh hah ahah heeeeeeee

9:16
Marc Savard is all like: "Everyone's right-handed." Future colour commentator/

9:17
SHANE DOAN SCORES AGAIN! WOOOOOO! Scott Niedermayer also. Also.

9:18
Savvy with a NICE move. He was squeeking all the way.

9:18
PATTY MARLEAU SCORES!!!!!!!!!! HE'S A GREAT SERVANT OF THE HOCKEY!

9:19
Milan Hejduk with a SICK MOVE, as the kids say.

9:19
Mike Modano is weeping because Willa Ford would rather sleep with Jeremy Roenick and Mike Grier, at the same time.

9:20
Ryan Getzlaf scores again.

9:20
Timmy denies Kovalev.

9:21
Down goes Niedermayer, Shane Doan scores AGAIN. WOOOOO

9:22
Did Savard just score? Wow.

9:22
Patrick Marleau eliminated by Tim Thomas, who brings his lunch to work or something.

9:23
Milan Hejduk is a killing machine. Getzlaf is out.

9:25
Shane Doan, Marc Savard, and Milan Hejduk are the best hockey players of all time. WOOOOOOOO SHANE DOAN

9:26
Savvy scores. NOT his Kovalchuk move this time.

9:27
Milan Hejduk out. Down to Doan and Savard.

9:28
SHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOANSHANE DOAN SHANE DOAN

3 comments:

The Church said...

link to what you're referring to at 8:03? (who has two thumbs and is lazy and has man-crush on the czar? this guy)

also you guys do not know me but i linked to your blog on mine, expect millions of hits in the coming minutes

Jay said...

Carrie Milbank just made me do naughty things to myself. HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!!!!

aaron said...

Wow, gentlemen....

Just...

Wow.

Great job.