Thursday, December 11, 2008

Your Chronicle Guide to Christmas Gifts for Fans of the Hockey! Part II

This time, kids, it's all about the figurines. I know you're suffering from money-anorexia, like everyone else in the present economic wasteland, but Christmas is a time for orgy and excess even if you're scrounging. Remember Bob Cratchit.

Now then. On to the creepy figurines!

Gordie Howe Figurine!

Isn't this a beauty? Apparently this Gordie Howe character played in the National Hockey League at one point, for the Detroit Red Wings (probably in the Yzerman era; one can't be sure), and people like him. Moving on...

Scary Wooden Hockey Dolls!

Some lady makes these out of wood and grass. You can even send her a photo of your favorite hockey player and you'll have a decent little wooden version of Sean Avery in no time! Or of small children who play in the local kiddie league, if that's what you're into.

Hockey Snoopy Figurine!

Don't ever let anyone tell you there's anything better than the Peanuts, or anyone cooler than Snoopy. The fact that he enjoys the occasional skate-and-shoot session just makes him even more godlike.

Donald Duck Hockey Figurine!

Not quite as cool as Snoopy, but still pretty cool, is this crazy figurine of Donald skating merrily along, menacing the opposition with his stick, and carrying the puck in his beak. Surely that calls for some type of penalty? Perhaps they do things differently in Disney World, what with its Hollywood values and all.

Little-known fact: Donald and his obnoxious nephews starred in a Disney film all about the Hockey. Better than Slapshot, I think, but not quite as good as The Mighty Ducks 3.

Magnificent stuff.

And finally, we mustn't forget the Reason for the Season (aside from the ancient human impulse and custom to throw a gladdening and warm festival of eating, drinking, partying, and gift-giving at the end of the year, to make the darkness and cold of winter more bearable), JHC Himself. If only there was a Nativity scene version of this:

Not the Baby version, certainly, but priceless. I say you should all buy twenty of these each and give them to everyone.

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