Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Chronicle Would Like to Announce

We don't want to fight but by Jingo if we do/ We've got the ships, we've got the men, we've got the money too/<br />We've fought the Canuckle-draggers before, and while we're Thrashtards true/ The Canuckle-draggers shall not have Thashtantinople.
...that a state of war now exists between us and the moosefuckers who leave comments at TSN. Canuckle-draggers, when it comes to hockey, generally don't enjoy it when reality gets in the way of their cherished worldview. That's why you'll find factual, empirically accurate statements like "It's important to note that the Thrashers are tied to the naming rights deal with Philips for the arena" voted down to a -32 rating via that stupid TSN thumbs up/thumbs down feature. All those syrup-stained downward-pointing thumbs mean...what, exactly? Not that the statement isn't true, but that it's not true in their pre-existing, impervious-to-outside-facts worldview.

Because the Chronicle is a warblog, we encourage all of our readers (the war effort requires everyone's effort, after all) to invade TSN and bomb the shit out of it whenever they post an article about the Thrashers. Leave parody Canuckle-dragger comments singing the praises of the Winnipeg Jets and moosecock, remember to say something about Kovalchuk inevitably leaving the Thrashers before predicting a Leafs Stanley Cup in '10, etc.

You can start here. If your comments are obscene enough they'll get deleted, but that's okay. The point should be to make Canuckle-dragger self-congratulation impossible. To arms!

UPDATE: I feel I should make clear that our quarrel here is not with the polite, pretty, and healthy people of Canada. The Canuckle-dragger is a separate animal from Lord Beaverbrook, Pierre Trudeau, Glenn Gould, Adrienne Clarkson, John Candy, Jarome Iginla, Joe Thornton, Anne Carson, John Ralston Saul, and Danielle from West Edmonton (if you're reading please email me; we could be so happy...). The Canuckle-dragger is a braindead Canadian chauvinist, the sort that only appears among hockey fans (because what else are Canadians going to be obnoxious about?).

17 comments:

FrenchCatalogues said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKAG2Q7Bik4

Bring the Pain!

Mortimer Peacock said...

Holy shit Method Man was the (m-e-t-h-o-d) man once upon a time.

FrenchCatalogues said...

Someone should comment on TSN that Canadians don't like black people, and that's why they don't want a team in Atlanta specifically. Then we get the NAACP to sue Canada.

It must suck to live Hamilton or Winnipeg. It's cold as hell, and they don't have an NHL team. But we do!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mortimer Peacock said...

It is hilarious. Hence their over-the-top resentment.

the jointhead said...

I thought winnipeg was the cartoon bear that loved his honey.

FrenchCatalogues said...

And they hate the fact that their city is named after that exact bear. Terrible situation. I'd be pissed too.

FrenchCatalogues said...

This is the only way to communicate to the Canadians that hate us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8a0Us8y-r4&feature=related

swegs said...

damn you guys are always good for a chuckle god i loves me this blog

Big Shooter said...

Oh my God Jointhead... I'll return the favor from a while back... I laughed so hard I pissed my pants at that one.

I've never understood the resentment with some of Canada over southern teams, but oh well, what are you gonna do. They win guys. We all know the Thrashers will be moved next year, and will become the Regina Moose Cocks.

Wayne stuck in AL said...

"I've never understood the resentment with some of Canada over southern teams, but oh well, what are you gonna do. They win guys."

You'd be bitter too, if your nation hasn't won a Cup since Bill Clinton's first 6 months in office...

Daculafan said...

I hereby enlist in the army..fighting the Canuckledraggers is every red blooded American hockey fan's duty...

the jointhead said...

This is the only way to communicate with our friends to the north. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3QHoqfhX8

Mortimer Peacock said...

OMG, thank you Jointhead. I'd totally forgotten about Trailer Park Boys. A real work of genius.

Razor Catch Prey said...

I say we start a new movement to counter the Canadian "Make it Seven" efforts. We can either call it "Make it Three" or "Make it Twenty-Seven" whether we are referencing the number of Canukistani teams or the teams in the US.

The focus of this movement?

Leafs to Vegas.

Canadiens to Houston.

Senators to Kansas City.

Sell the Thrashers to Bruce Willis and renovate the Bank of America building to be his own personal palace/playground for the reenactment of Die Hard.

I nominate Big Shooter as the group's first president since he has Bruce Willis' haircut.

h said...

I always think of Canada as "a Poor Man's Mexico".....seriously, what is the point.....I guess I can understand Canada...errr I mean... North Mexico getting up in arms over hockey being "their" game, and sometimes I feel sorry for them...I mean seriously.....what else do they have besides Curling....Football (CFL)? Almost bankrupt....Ha! Baseball? go Expos....double ha! basketball? OMG...bring back the Grizzlies!....really....they have nothing else.....except a great healthcare system....ha! NOT!

Big Shooter said...

Razor, you must have missed my post a while back (I believe when I interviewd the Mayor of Hamilton) in where it was proposed to Make it One, www.makeitone.usa.

I believe the link is here:

http://bluelandchronicle.blogspot.com/2009/05/exclusive-big-shooter-interview-with.html

the jointhead said...

Theres a new trailer park boys movie coming out this fall, well up north anyways. we'll have to wait on the dvd.