Scenes 12 and 13

Well kids, it's back. If you need to remind yourself what's happened so far, um, read the script.

Scene 12

(Ten Gallon, Little Little, and Deputy Colby sitting in the sheriff’s office. Hellacious commotion outside. The townsfolk are going nuts. Smashing windows, throwing barrels and chairs, screaming about Sheriff Kovalchuk and Mayor Waddell. Our hero gets up and stands at the window.)

TEN GALLON

What in tarnation?

LITTLE LITTLE

Looks like they’re angry.

DEPUTY COLBY

Mighty angry.

(Ten Gallon wastes no time. He grabs his pistol and runs outside. The townsfolk are indeed in an uproar: smashing windows, braying and yelling, threatening to do violent things to either Mayor Waddell or Sheriff Kovalchuk.)

TEN GALLON

(fires a shot towards the sky) Come on y’all, what’s the rumpus?

MAN IN CROWD

Fire Waddell!

(about half of the crowd roars its approval and starts to chant “Fire Waddell! Fire Waddell!” By this time Deputy Colby and Little Little are outside with Ten Gallon. The half of the crowd that isn’t chanting “Fire Waddell!” starts to chant “Down with Kovalchuk!”)

LITTLE LITTLE

Is this a street brawl, Ten Gallon?

TEN GALLON

(solemnly) ‘Fraid it is, Deputy Little. ‘Fraid it is.

DEPUTY COLBY

Gotta say I never did like that mayor. But what’s the problem with our absent sheriff?

TEN GALLON

Aw hell, Deputy, can’t you read read the writing on the wall?

DEPUTY COLBY

(looking around at the saloons and tradesmen shops lining Thrasherville’s main street) I ain’t see no writing, Ten Gallon! You gotta make clear your meanin’, sir!

TEN GALLON

Sheriff Kovalchuk is gone. The Mayor has relieved him of his command. That’s what this mass bitchin’ is all about.

(the angry mob---or, more accurately, the two angry mobs---continue to chant either “Fire Waddell!” or “Down with Kovalchuk!” One man yells “he lied to us!” as he approaches the town police station with a torch.)

LITTLE LITTLE

Um, Ten Gallon, that feller looks to be interested in burnin’ down our building!

DEPUTY COLBY

Aw hell, Little Little. He only has a torch. We got guns! (Deputy Colby approaches the would-be arsonist and points his gun at him.) It’d be mighty decent of you to put that fire away, citizen.

WOULD-BE ARSONIST

I don’t need no liars in my town! He lied to us!

DEPUTY COLBY

What are you jabbering about, son?

WOULD-BE ARSONIST

That Sheriff Kovalchuk, he left us...after sayin’ he’d like to stay. That greedy son of a bitch deserves an office-burnin’!

(Ten Gallon and Little Little approach)

TEN GALLON

Don’t you understand that if he’s gone already then your little antic here ain’t gonna get you a speck of what you want?

WOULD-BE ARSONIST

Whut?

(While the would-be arsonist is distracted by Ten Gallon’s reasonable question, Deputy Colby shoots him in the leg. The would-be arsonist crumples to the ground; his torch drops into the sandy street.)

DEPUTY COLBY

That’s what you get for tryin’ to burn shit, citizen!

LITTLE LITTLE

Jeezus.

TEN GALLON

Now dag nabbit Colby! I was practicing upon this man the art of persuasion! There weren’t no need to just go an’ shoot the bastard!

DEPUTY COLBY

Dispensin’ justice, sir. You know all about dispensin’.

(The would-be arsonist groans on the ground.)

TEN GALLON

Pick him up.

(Little Little does just that.)

TEN GALLON

Let’s get this sorry bastard to a hospital.

DEPUTY COLBY

Don’t you think that’ll be a little complicated by all this hollerin’ and riotin’?

(Ten Gallon is about to answer when Mayor Waddell suddenly---and, given the circumstances, bravey---appears on the steps of Thrasherville City Hall. The crowd gathered there starts throwing things at him---rocks, manure, etc.---but he dodges the projectiles quite gracefully. He starts to speak. As if by magic, the crowd quietens down. They listen.)

MAYOR WADDELL

Obviously, citizens of Thrasherville, you’ve heard what’s happened. Our beloved Sheriff Kovalchuk...he, well, ah, I figured it’d be best if I allowed him to take up a new post heading the prestigious Devilville police force.

LITTLE LITTLE

Well I’ll be.

DEPUTY COLBY

Of course he’s gonna go to a place like Devilville. No one wants to to be here.

TEN GALLON

I think that’s obvious, deputy. But quiet: let’s see what the mayor has to say.

MAYOR WADDELL

But all is not lost, citizens. In return for Sheriff Kovalchuk’s services, the Devilville police gave us something in return.

(Someone in the crowd shouts “A hen!”)

MAYOR WADDELL

Given my record, that’s about what you’d all expect. (The crowd unites in a hearty guffaw. He’s winning them over.) No, folks. Now, I know how beloved Sheriff Kovalchuk was here. (many in the crowd shout “no he wasn’t!” and “good riddance!”) But we’ve acquired ourselves two Swedes! May I introduce to all of Thrasherville these two fine young men?

(The crowd appears excited. Deputy Colby less so.)

DEPUTY COLBY

(to Ten Gallon and Little Little) Well hell’s bells. First it’s a Russian. Now we’re workin’ with some Swedishes.

MAYOR WADDELL

Joining the Thrasherville police force are Nicklas Bergerstromfors and Johnny Oduyapunkduya!

(The crowd cheers as the two Swedes step onto the city hall platform. Neither of them looks particularly happy to be in Thrasherville, but they wave to the crowd.)

DEPUTY COLBY

Oduyawhatever is Swedish?

LITTLE LITTLE

I’d always just assumed he was American Indian. (The would-be arsonist hanging on to Little Little’s shoulder groans.)

MAYOR WADDELL

Now, obviously Sheriff Kovalchuk leaving has left a vacancy in the sheriff position here in town.

TEN GALLON

Oh no.

MAYOR WADDELL

I don’t think it will come as a surprise that the new sheriff I’ve appointed is none other than our current acting sheriff, Ten Gallon Dick Peverley!

(The crowd cheers.)

DEPUTY COLBY

Well I guess you is sheriff now, Ten Gallon.

MAYOR WADDELL

(spotting Ten Gallon in the crowd) Ah, where is he now? Oh there he is. Come on up, Sheriff Peverley! Come on up!

(Ten Gallon reluctantly but confidently strides up the city hall steps. The crowd continues to cheer as he tips his hat and gives ‘em a strong-but-silent smile.)

MAYOR WADDELL

(clamping his hand on Ten Gallon’s shoulder) How ‘bout it son?

TEN GALLON

(whispering angrily but still smiling to the crowd) Why wasn’t I consulted about this Mr. Mayor?

MAYOR WADDELL

Aw, don’t be such a sourpuss, son. Lookee here: the townsfolk love you!

TEN GALLON

Why was I not consulted?

(The crowd continues to cheer. All hints of public rage are now gone. Ten Gallon continues to nod appreciatively despite what he feels. Mayor Waddell beams and continues to wave.)

Scene 13

(Max and Pavel are still holed up in Thrash’s saloon. For most of the riot---a brief one, but a frightening one---Thrash was shooting out of his broken window. Not at anything in particular, but at random, to frighten away any attackers. Max and Pavel spent most of the uproar on the saloon floor, face-to-face with unholy beer stains. Of course, the noise quietened down eventually, and Thrash stopped firing his shotgun. They’d listened to Mayor Waddell’s speech.)

PAVEL

How do you like that?

MAXIM

Well...seeing as how the main reason I came to Thrasherville was to work with Kovalchuk, I’m not thrilled. But I shall still do my best.

PAVEL

You’re a courtly gentleman.

MAXIM

Ah, but my parents taught me to be one. Why, growing up on the cherry orchard back in Russia, spending summers hunting for----

PAVEL

I think the bird wants us to leave.

(Thrash is indeed motioning for Maxim and Pavel to get out of his saloon while he cleans up all the broken glass.)

MAXIM

Would you like help, Mr. Thrash?

(Thrash shakes his head no. His mighty beak bounces.)

MAXIM

Well then, good afternoon.

(Thrash tips his hat. Maxim and Pavel exit onto the dusty street.)

PAVEL

What do we know about these two new Swedes?

MAXIM

Very little. I hear Oduyapunkduya is quite good. I don’t know much about the very young one, Nicklas Bergerhausen or whatever his name is.

PAVEL

Strange, isn’t it, how empty the streets are now? I mean, they were full of angry townsfolk earlier...where’s everyone gone? Do they do siesta time in Thrasherville?

MAXIM

It wouldn’t surprise me, given what I’ve seen so far.

(They do run into one person, though. Presently they come upon their friend Nik Antropov and his coyote buddy Misha. Nik has tethered his horse to a post outside Jimmy Slates’s hotel and is letting it drink from a huge trough of water. He’s putting tobacco into two pipes when he notices Max and Pavel.)

PAVEL

Well look who it is.

NIK

Hello, boys.

MAXIM

That’s a thirsty horse.

NIK

Been working on the railroad all day. Old Man Kozlov’s trying to break into the industry, and he wanted me to help. (he gives one of the pipes to Misha, who gratefully clamps his teeth around it and starts puffing away.)

PAVEL

(eyes on the smoking coyote) The old-timer that lives on the outskirts of town?

NIK

Yes, him. He has a lovely ranch.

PAVEL

Wouldn’t doubt it.

NIK

You should help out, Kubina.

PAVEL

I could. What kind of money is Old Man Kozlov offering?

(before Nik can answer, the conversation is interrupted by someone violently hacking and coughing. It’s none other than the old world-weary---and mustachioed---blacksmith, Johnny Anderson. He’s run out of his blacksmith’s shop into the middle of the street. He’s clutching his throat and his eyes are bulging. Nik, Pavel, Max, and Misha run over to see what might be the trouble.)

JOHNNY ANDERSON

This town...this town...I curse the day I came to this town...

MAXIM

Mr. Anderson, what’s the problem? Have you eaten something you shouldn’t have?

PAVEL

He looks like he’s been poisoned.

JOHNNY ANDERSON

This town is poisoned. The whole town....poison...

NIK

Doctor! Is there a doctor around?! Misha, go get my first aid kit.

(Misha runs to Nik’s horse, puts his nose inside Nik’s satchel, and finds the first aid kit. He carries it over to J. Anderson. Nik starts to unpack the first aid kit, but Anderson refuses care.)

JOHNNY ANDERSON

Don’t help me. I want out of this town, this wretched, hellish town. May it be eaten by a giant alligator from hell...

PAVEL

A giant gator?

(Anderson emits some unholy noises and writhes in pain, then abruptly goes limp. His eyes are still wide open and staring at the sky, but his breathing seems to have stopped. Nik checks his pulse. He then takes his hand off Anderson and thinks for a short moment. He turns to his coyote friend.)

NIK

See what you think, Misha.

(Misha puts his paw on Anderson, apparently to check for a pulse. Maxim and Pavel stare at one another. Eventually Misha removes his paw, then stamps it on the ground 3 times. Nik nods solemnly. All is quiet for a moment.)

MAXIM

Well, what’s the diagnosis? I can run to the doctor’s and---

NIK

(interrupting) Don’t bother, Maxim. He’s dead.