Monday, August 9, 2010

10 Ways to Fix Hockey

Until we glanced at this morning's edition of the Yahoo! typing monsters, we had no idea the NHL Research, Development and Orientation camp will be meeting soon to discuss possible rule changes and generally tweak the game to make it more enticing.

What rules will be established or thrown out? We have no idea, but we do have some suggestions.

1. When a player ices the puck, he must quickly put on goalie pads and play the goaltender position until the next stoppage of play. The regular goaltender will play the skater's normal position, also in goalie pads. The icing party will thus be shamed for his criminality, and the foul practice will significantly decrease.

2. You can score a goal for your team by shooting the puck into EITHER net, provided you begin your rush at the opposite end of the ice.

3. The new shootout: shooter vs. goalie vs. polar bear.

4. If the game isn't decided in the first three rounds of a shootout? Zamboni race. With polar bear.

5. If you shoot the puck into the netting behind the glass, your team is deducted 1 point.

6. If you shoot the puck into a spectator, you're awarded 1 point. Hey, the kids like such things, today, in America.

7. The area surrounding the goal should be made to look more like a putt-putt golf course. Windmills, dragons, pirate ships, etc. The sight of skaters navigating such obstacles should be Pleasing and Delightful.

8. The goaltender gets to move the goal around as he sees fit. Facing a breakaway? Move the goal! Besieged on all sides and can't see through traffic? Drag the goal to center ice and wait for the melee to clear up.

9. Obviously, a goal can be scored wherever the net may lie. A goal scored into a net positioned at center ice, or along the wall, is still a goal.

10. Players are allowed to slash the back of the net with their skates and score a goal via the backdoor. A goal through ripped netting is still a goal.

Apologies and bows to Dr. Hunter S. Thompson