"I'm a goner..." Scene 16

Scene 16

(Night. Stars overhead. The sky is an otherworldly dark blue. Pavel Kubina and Maxim Afinogenov are playing chess on a table outside Marty’s.)

MAXIM

Which one is the bear again?

PAVEL

Your Russians and your bears. Always interested in the bears.

MAXIM

You’ve never seen dignity until you’ve seen a dancing bear do a peasant two-step from Moscow to Vladivostock, across miles of Siberian snow.

PAVEL

You’ve seen that?

MAXIM

No. Checkmate. (Maxim has unmanned Pavel’s last line of chessboard defense and his knight and bishop have the king cornered.)

PAVEL

Damn. The bear surrounds the Big Dipper. Or, the Big Dipper is actually part of the bear. Ursa major.

MAXIM

Ah, Latin. They probably taught you that in sorcerer’s school. You people need to know it for your spells and whatnot, right?

PAVEL

We have company.

(Deputy Colby approaches.)

DEPUTY COLBY

So you empyreans gonna help us with the case of the missin’ John-Anderson-killin’ good-fer-nothin’ lamer trash-wheezin’ psychopath or are you just too damned pig-satisfied with yourselves and that fancypants piss-checkers you’re a-playin’? I want answers now, DAMMIT. WE GOTTA FIND THE KILLER. (The deputy’s voice becomes noticeably different at the end of that last sentence. He begins to sob, and falls to his knees next to the chess table. He weeps.)

PAVEL

Let it out, son. I didn’t know you were that close to the old blacksmith.

DEPUTY COLBY

I wasn’t. It’s just...it’s just (sob)

MAXIM

Deputy, I assure you I’ll do everything I can to find this killer. I’ve already spoken to Sheriff Peverley, and---

DEPUTY COLBY

I can’t go on like this, Mr. Russian Feller, I just can’t.

(Maxim and Pavel exchange confused looks.)

MAXIM

What do you mean, Deputy?

DEPUTY COLBY

Don’t you fellers get it? I’m a goner! Whoever killed Anderson is a-gonna kill me.

PAVEL

What makes you say that?

DEPUTY COLBY

There ain’t no time to explain. Might as well take matters into my own hands.

PAVEL

Um.

(Deputy Colby pulls his revolver from his holster and raises it to his temple.)

MAXIM

DON’T DO IT DEPUTY!

(Pavel and Maxim lunge for Deputy Colby. Maxim manages to grab the gun, Pavel wrestles the Deputy to the ground and pins him there.)

PAVEL

What are you thinking? You can’t kill yourself now.

DEPUTY COLBY

I’m a goner either way fellas! I’m done for, toast, finito, Armstrong absconditus, yesterday’s man, yesterday’s meal, night light readin’ material for the fishes, vulture food, scenic bones by the highway, the way of the dodo, the way of the dead samurai, the hangman’s livelihood, the hooded owl’s drink of choice, the choicest steak for vultures wheeling over this godforsaken cactus land---

PAVEL

You’d already mentioned something about vultures.

(At that moment Ronnie Haines walks outside Marty’s. He’s playing a jaunty tune on an accordion.)

RONNIE

(still playing his song, which may or may not be “The Yellow Rose of Texas”) Hey fellas, what’s goin’ on? Why so sore, Mr. Deputy?

DEPUTY COLBY

I’m a goner, that’s why! You musicians ain’t never have to worry about gettin’ gunned down, but I’m afraid I ain’t got much choice in the matter!

RONNIE

Oh, come on now, Deputy, cheer up! Here, let me play you a tune. What would you like to hear?

DEPUTY COLBY

“She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain?”

RONNIE

Sounds good. Here we go. (Ronnie launches, once again, into “The Yellow Rose of Texas”)

DEPUTY COLBY

Hey, that ain’t the song!

RONNIE

(still playing, while a Blue Crew girl pours a whiskey into his mouth) Wh-wh (gargle) whut?

MAXIM

Keep this gun away from him. (hands gun to Pavel) Alright Deputy, is there something that I, as a detective, should know? Why are you convinced that someone’s trying to kill you?

DEPUTY COLBY

(starts making unintelligible screaming/choking noises)

PAVEL

He’s hysterical.

RONNIE

Reckon he needs a doctor?

MAXIM

Drink. Get the poor man a drink and calm him down that way. I’ve heard of hypochondriacs, but never of murder-chrondriacs.

RONNIE

(still playing “The Yellow Rose of Texas” on the accordion) Myself, I hear it’s a common condition now, in this age of the Pony Express. Everyone sendin’ ponies hither and yon...(he pauses, thoughtfully, for dramatic effect)

MAXIM

What?

(Into this confused and confusing discussion rides a man clad entirely in black. His horse is black. It is now too dark out to see his face.)

RONNIE

(to the tune of “Yellow Rose of Texas”) Come out into the light my son/ You’re givin’ us a fright/ I’ll have to see your handgun/ Where you are ain’t too bright.

PAVEL

You really do like that song.

(In one quick move the mysterious horseman reaches into his holster and flashes a derringer. He fires once. And again. Our heroes scatter and hit the deck. Screams from inside Marty’s saloon. The shooter’s horse rears up and he gallops into the night. Our heroes slowly raise their heads)

MAXIM

Who’s hurt?

RONNIE

Accordion took a bullet. (He squeezes his beloved instrument. It makes an unhandsome caterwauling sound.)

MAXIM

Pity. Kubina, are you alive?

PAVEL

Alive, cowboy. Can’t say the same for the deputy though.

(Deputy Colby is crumpled on the ground, leaning against a wooden post. He doesn’t look too good.)

RONNIE

Tarnation alive! He’s dead! He thought they was gonna shoot him and by jeepers they did!

(Maxim and Pavel rush over to the deputy. Maxim is just beginning to check his pulse when Deputy Colby suddenly groans, opens his eyes, and raises his head.)

MAXIM

You’re alive!

DEPUTY COLBY

What? What just happened?

PAVEL

I think he passed out before our armed horseman friend even arrived. A little too much anxiety.

MAXIM

Then where did the other shot end up? He fired twice, did he not?

PAVEL

I think so.

RONNIE

There ain’t another bullet in the accordion.

(Maxim and Pavel look around anxiously. They inspect themselves for bullet wounds. Deputy Colby sits on the ground, dazed.)

PAVEL

Isn’t it a little strange that we were just fired at and no one’s come outside to see what’s the matter?

(Maxim and Pavel look at one another. Then at Marty’s front windows. One of them is fractured by cracks, radiating outward from a bullet hole. They run inside the saloon. A crowd of people is gathered around a poker table.)

MAXIM

(elbowing people out of the way) Excuse me, excuse me, I’m a detective.

(Maxim reaches the table to find the mysterious horseman’s second victim after Ronnie’s accordion. A man lying face-down in a pool of blood that is still trickling off the table and staining the cards. Maxim motions for everyone to stand back. He raises the poor man’s head, looks into his odd face, and doesn’t recognize him.)

MAXIM

Does anyone know this man? Who is he?

(Nik Antropov and Misha walk over)

NIK

That’s Old Man Kozlov.