Saturday, July 31, 2010
A: No. Hey, I'd like to ask you a question. What's a cat burglar?
Q: A burglar that only steals cats.
A: NO, stupid, it's a burglar that breaks INTO cats.
Q: That's horrible. Let's go out for several drinks.
A: Okay. But not before making people listen to this junkie song.
Friday, July 30, 2010
(scene: Thrasherville main street, late afternoon. A slight breeze is raising dust from the road. Sheriff Peverley is dragging various horse-water troughs into the middle of the road. He lines them up into a single aqueduct of horse-water, running from one side of the street to the other. Very intent and intense look on his face. He’s concentrating hard.)
(Deputy Little approaches)
Hey there Sheriff, what you up to?
Quiet, Deputy, I need to think.
Why the river of water troughs?
(Mayor Waddell enters, looking despondent and muttering to himself)
Darn blast it all to Hades. I’ll never win another---
Hiya Mr. Mayor. How is it?
Not good, Deputy, not good. I’ve just been fired, in fact.
Fired?! Well schucks Mr. Mayor, I’m sorry about that. Um, how can the Mayor be fired?
He weren’t fired, Deputy, he was impeached.
He was locked up in a giant peach?
Yes. And I reckon a man oughtn’t-a cry over it, because the Committee has cold brought him into their fold.
Now now, Sheriff, you know I treasure my position in the Committee. It’s just that---
(A stagecoach rumbles out of nowhere and runs over Mayor Waddell. It continues down the road at a fiery pace, knocking over Ten Gallon’s river of horse troughs, until it disappears into the desert.)
AHHHHHHHH MR. MAYOR OH MY GAWD THIS IS TERRIBLE. (runs over to help the disgraced and flattened former public official)
(grabbing his six-shooter and climbing onto the nearest horse) They ruined my damn horse trough river! I’ll find the stagecoach, Deputy, you see the Mayor gets proper help. Step on, steed! (He and the horse gallop off into the desert)
(Little Little crouches down to Mayor Waddell and realizes that he’s still alive. His face and clothing are marked with comical hoof prints.)
Good lord Mr. Mayor, who did this to ya?
The safe, make sure it...
(He passes out. Little Little checks for a heartbeat.)
Dag nabbit, he’s still alive. C’mon, Mr. Mayor, wake on up! What’s all this about a safe? Aw hell, DOCTOR! IS THERE A DOCTOR AROUND?
(Ten Gallon is galloping furiously through the desert. He and his steed race past cactuses and joshua trees, sagebrush and rocks. At one point he notices a jackrabbit hopping along parallel to him, then outpacing him. The camera gradually pulls away from Ten Gallon and his steed and becomes an expansive view of arresting but unforgiving desert. The land is gold with dots of ragged green. Nothing moves but Ten Gallon. Ten Gallon’s horse slows down, eventually coming to a complete stop. As the camera pans out into a deep focus shot, Ten Gallon looks around in every direction, visibly confused.)
(After the long deep focus shot, an abrupt cut to a raucous card game in a saloon. Nik Antropov is taking a swig of sarsaparilla and pounding it down on the table. Maxim Afinogenov is staring intently at his deck of cards. Pavel Kubina is feeding table scraps to Misha the Coyote. A gang of ruffians and roughnecks is gathered round the table, cheering on their favorite players and passing around dollar bills and hip flasks and scraps of what may or may not be fool’s gold.)
(murmuring among the saloon crowd)
That would be a wise decision, but---
(He’s cut off by notorious young gunslinger Evander “Quickdraw” Kane, who approaches from the bar.)
Mr. Detective, I reckon you should take a look at what’s just happened outside.
The mayor, sir. He’s been clean run over by a phantom stagecoach. Word is not even Sheriff Peverley can find the culprit, who just vanished once they got out into the desert. I’m telling ya, it’s spooky stuff.
You must be joking.
Honest as if the Good Lord were judgin’ my backhand, sir.
(A burly young outdoorsman, a prospector-looking type with a tattered gray hat and fierce beard, approaches the table. He looks not unlike Zach Bogosian.)
He ain’t lyin’, Detective. This town is being menaced by someone...or something. If you lawdogs would be stop monopolizin’ the manhunt, I’d be happy to put a gang together to go out and find these sons a’ bitches and bring ‘em to justice, good-style.
Is vigilante justice popular in Thrasherville?
Just sayin’, Detective.
You know, he’s right. I wouldn’t be against putting out a reward for turning these people in.
That’s just because your former employer is dead and you need work.
(considers this for a moment) Perhaps. But I would be up for a little adventure into the wild, into the desert. To find these wretches.
Count me in too.
Well, I’m not in charge of this. I’ll see what Sheriff Peverley thinks.
(At that instant the saloon doors open and the Sheriff walks in. He looks bewildered and desperate. He holds up a sheet of paper with the words “ATTENTION BOUNTY-HUNTERS, GUNFIGHTERS, AND LAWLESS MONSTERS! REWARD! $1,000! CATCH THESE EVIL BASTARDS!” He nails it to the wall.)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I enthusiastically agree with this demand, but I'd also like to extend it. My proposal: sign the Kariya/Selanne duo AND bring back former Thrashers center Steve Rucchin, who centered those two great wingers on the Mighty Ducks of Disneyland back when they were all in their prime. Rucchin never formally retired; he's still listed as an "unrestricted free agent" (at least by the Wikipedia robots) and he doesn't seem to have ever run off to foreign lands to make mega-rubles.
We all have fond memories of Steve Rucchin from the glorious 06-07 season, right? Do it, Dudley. You know you want to.
The re-united Kariya-Rucchin-Selanne line will school and inspire our young folk, which we imagine will look like this:
Wonder if being a Thrasher will be more enticing by then. Your Chronicle cannot claim any inside knowledge on this subject, but we'll be watching very carefully.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Looking at that list gave me an insane idea:
Why not try to sign both Selanne and Kariya to one year deals?
It worked for Colorado in 03-04, so why not Atlanta in 10-11? Selanne is contemplating retirement (again) but put up almost a point per game last season. Kariya's numbers weren't nearly as good, but he still posted 18 goals. Put him back with Selanne and he might jump closer to 30 again.
I don't know how I would feel if that actually happened. It would be a good way to spark local interest for a year, but the former Mickey Mouse Club members would be taking ice time away from young guns who need experience. On the other hand, having Kariya and Selanne mentor Bergfors, Kane, Burmistrov, and Cormier could only be a good thing.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Reaction #1) Wow, that's pretty darn cool that they can have disallowed goals in a hockey video game now.
Reaction #2) Holy cow that was an awesome goal! They've come a long way from NHL 93 to now having guys bat the puck out of the air from their back.
Reaction #3) Then again, only five or six guys in the league could really pull that off. I hope we're not going to be seeing that every game from guys like Jimmy Slater in the video game. EA has a tendency to take something cool and overplay it.*
Reaction #4) Of course they had to show the Leafs scoring on the Thrashers. Stinkin' Canadians.
Reaction #5) Is that Kubina still playing for Atlanta in that shot?
* See NCAA Football 11. The stadium announcer will CONSTANTLY say something along the lines of "Allen on the carry. Call it a gain of 9 yards." First of all, it was a cute idea to add in how announcers sometimes equivocate about the number of yards gained. HOWEVER, PA announcers NEVER do this. They give the official distance. TV and RADIO announcers will give estimates. Hearing the PA announcer do it at all takes away from the authenticity they were trying to build, and hearing him do it as often as he does really hurts. If Andrew Ladd scores Ovechkin-esque goals twice a game in NHL 11 it's going to be like that original Matrix that humans rejected because it was too much of a fantasy world.
From this morning's AJC:
"Outside the Lines" analyzed 2009 food service inspections for every major-league stadium.
And at 30 of the 107 stadiums inspected in North America, more than half the concession stands or restaurants had been cited for at least one "critical" or "major" health violation.
Philips Arena, the Georgia Dome and Turner Field were not among the worst violators. But each had its problems.
At Philips, 35 percent of vendors were cited for critical violations. The report noted that at two locations, inspectors found food not being protected from contamination.
EEGAD! Actually, now that I think of it, maybe I shouldn't worry, as I tend to use Philips mainly for the Booze and not the Food. Beer...that can't get contaminated, right? Surely not.
Anyway, at least Philips isn't in swampy retirement camp Florida:
The show found stadiums in Florida particularly lacking. At every Florida venue, at least 67 percent of vendors were cited for critical violations.
It's that mutant alligator meat they serve. The Everglades are just toxic these days...
Friday, July 23, 2010
It's been a long time since there was a good and proper blood-feud in the Thrashers blogosphere. And this time, sadly, your Chronicle isn't involved.
The background: Our buddy Rawhide (who blogs for the AJC under the code name "Bill Tiller") wrote a post about how he expects the Thrashers' goal production to dip a bit next season, what with that Kovalchuk and that Afinogenov just cold Gone Forever. Throughout the post Rawhide is honest enough to say that it's not like he KNOWS this will happen, and a player's performance one year is often NOT a reliable prognosticator of the next year, etc. His point, I think, was that we can't pretend that the loss of Kovalchuk and the presence of several question marks on the roster (not question marks in terms of overall quality, but in terms of goal production) aren't going to effect the Thrashers' ability to score goals. Obviously no one KNOWS what's going to happen, but it's reasonable to be concerned, and so on.
Bird Watchers Anonymous' Timmy F. responded with a sharp rebuke to both Rawhide and his own blogging overlord, the famous Falconer, for even speculating about these things. He argues against their positions a bit, but the gist of the post is "STOP IT. Stop it, dudes; like, don't ever talk about any of this ever again, ever, because there's no reason to."
I paraphrase, of course. He does write, vis-a-vis the Falconer's projection, "I'll give him credit for also admitting that his projection would be wrong, but if we know something will be wrong, why spend the time writing a blog?"
Which is, of course, a question that negates the entire goofy ideal of blogging. The mind reels.
Our friend Mr. Speaker makes some excellent points in a secret email exchange with your editor:
...I have a great affinity for useless statistical analysis. Perhaps my conclusion will be something like: "if Nik Antropov can shoot the puck more, he will score 5% more of the time because he has such a consistently accurate shooting % over the years." And you can do some satirical post about how Nik's mystic ferret friend (or whatever the hell he is) Misha can help Nik further develop his keen sense of telepathical power on the ice to feed the puck to his linemates in positions to score more frequently then we may just eclipse 230 goals scored next season!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Via Deadspin, a bit of the Winnipeg Free Press report:
WINNIPEG — At least one local hockey fan thinks it’s criminal the Winnipeg Jets haven’t returned home.
A 33-year-old resident of Lundar, Manitoba is facing numerous charges after allegedly making a series of 911 calls which included demanding RCMP officers somehow bring the National Hockey League back to the province.
"He began the conversation by saying he wanted the Jets back. He was quite upset about it," a justice source told the Free Press on Wednesday.
***IN OTHER NEWS***
Presented without comment:
You have to understand, comrades, that this is the time of year when we can't bring ourselves to think of anything original or interesting to say. Mainly because there's nothing going on. All we can do is glance at Puck Daddy and talk about whatever the Yahoo! employees are typing about at any given moment.
Seems that this Kovalchuk contract business has gotten way out of hand. How about that, heengh? Also: you'd think both Ilya and the NJ Devils organization could use their free will to come up with a contract less horrible and mendacious.
Also also: if Bobby Ryan and James Neal are playing RFA hardball, then can Rick Dudley work some of that comical Rick Dudley magic and sneakily snatch them up? He just has to use his freedom of choice. "To trade draft picks or not to trade," etc...
1) Clarke MacArthur has made the tragic decision to ask for way more money than he's worth, drag the Thrashers to arbitration, and then walk off because he's sad.
2) Ondrej Pavelec has re-signed, in Czech.
3) The world has been waiting a long time for a Bill "Rawhide" Tiller Twitter feed. Well kiddies, it's finally here, hooray!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Therefore, the Thrashers have officially added it to their List of Prohibited Items, or (to give it its proper name) the Index Itemum Prohibitorum.
This is disappointing for all sorts of reasons. Imagine the heights of absurdity that could be scaled with hockey game vuvuzelas: players totally unable to concentrate, dumb goalie-baiting chants drowned out forever, the inevitable arrival of the Beer Cannon Vuvuzela, etc...
It pains us that the Thrashers are the first (and so far only) NHL team to ban the vuvuzela. Because OTHER teams will allow it, at least for a little while, and from Day One of next season we'll just be the square kids without horrible noise-horns. Sad.
Monday, July 19, 2010
"TSNBobMcKenzie: Ilya Kovalchuk re-signs with NJD. More importantly, looks like I'm going to Kid Rock-Jon Bon Jovi concert. :-) Financial terms on both later"
Anyone else feel that this was a let down? Seemed like the Kings made too much sense. Also, I wonder if those who laughed at NJ for "losing" the trade a while back (because "they only got a rental player" or something like that) will tweet a retraction? You know who you are...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The fact that Burmie put up almost a point per game (8/8/16 in 17 games) in the OHL playoffs and his coaches speak so highly of him is encouraging. Sounds like he is a hard worker and will put on some muscle before coming back to training camp.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I had heard a quick mention shortly after the trade that Aliu was hampered by a hazing incident in junior. It wasn't until reading Vivlamore's post that I learned exactly what that incident was.
Apparently the rookies on Aliu's junior team were being forced to cram naked into the bathroom on the team bus. If you've ever been unfortunate to use the bathroom on a bus you know that it's really not big enough for one person, let alone several naked men.
Aliu refused to submit to the treatment. Steve Downie (now a Cinderella story for the Tampa Bay Lightning) took umbrage to this upstart rookie's behavior and took it upon himself to mete out punishment. In practice, Downie skated up and cross checked Aliu in the mouth, knocking out several teeth. Aliu responded:
Good for him. Can't wait to see him crack the lineup and face Downie in Tampa. Dudley says the kid is 6'3" and 225 lbs with a lot of speed on him. Obviously he's willing to stick up for himself.
If he develops in the right way and Atlanta can ice a team with he and Byfuglien as a one-two power forward punch, it could really be something.
He's obviously not going to be ready just yet. He was sent down to the ECHL last season for further maturation. With the right coaches and in the right situation, I really like this kid's potential.
Friday, July 9, 2010
In lieu of a report on our prospects, here's a hypothetical question that makes us sad:
"So, do you think Daulton Leveille will be ready this year?"
Thursday, July 8, 2010
So Dudley got both his guys... very impressive. I started a little harsh on old Duds, but the last few moves have been good ones, IMHO.
Everyone else here at TBC is off at far away land places. I'm busy and have to work. Discuss if you please.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
"Been there, done that," I hear you say, Dr. Dre-like.
The difference between Kovalchuk Then and Hypothetical Kovalchuk Now is that the Thrashers can now offer him a strong supporting cast. And, perhaps, new owners.
Whatever Kovy chooses, your TBC editor likely won't be able to cover very much of it, as this evening he's setting off for various cities beyond our shores and will be Gone for two weeks. I'll still have ready Internet access during that time, but I'll probably try to avoid it as much as I can. Nonetheless, if something Big happens, you can expect an Important Post.
Longtime hockey-blogging heartthrob Big Shooter will be manning the U.S.S. Blueland Chronicle in my absence. Razor Catch Prey would join in too, but he's busy with "honeymoon" stuff in Antigua. And Monsieur Catalogues, well, he doesn't really exist.
So enjoy the Kovalchuking tension, and the desolate wasteland (in terms of hockey news) that will follow his ultimate decision. Like I said, most of the time I'll be visiting old friends in the shadow of St. Marylebone Parish or furiously trying to repair the U.S.-Turkish NATO alliance. But if something big happens, or if the fancy takes me, I shall post.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
As a rule, we generally don't mention anything about our personal lives on this here blog (except for my career as a Russian spy who works deep cover as a "hockey fan"). But occasionally something Important happens, like Razor Catch Prey getting married.
Which will happen tomorrow, July 3rd, between the ratifying and the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Hooray!
So wish Razor and his bride (code name: Mizz Razor) well, in your heart or in the comments section.
Mason will be an upgrade over our beloved Moose. God bless that animal.
I like the Ladd trade, both in what we got and what we gave up. Very nicely done.
I HATE the fact that Day 2 starts out with Kubina signing in Tampa for two years. Come one Duds/ASG. WTF? Reports I saw said we were off on both term and dollars. Are you kidding me? We couldn't offer Kubina a 2 year deal??? Had we signed him you've got the makings of a pretty solid team. Now, in my mind, there is still a big hole to fill on the blueline.
It's not October yet, but I have a feeling we are pretty much done with big moves. Hopefully not.
Because on the Radio Machine today they reported that the Thrashers will SOON be sold to some new owners who will do the following:
1) first step: buy those phukkin Thrashers from the Atlanta Spirit. Separately, as in like, "Fuck those Hawks and those Philips Arena's."
2) KEEP THEM IN THA MUTHAPHUCKIN' ATL SKEET SKEET SKEET GODDAMN.
Your Chronicle TRIED to warn you of this appealing shit just a little while ago. Raine Group, etc. But you didn't listen. Or did you? The ones who did will all get Tickets to Awesome Cruises in the near future.
P.S. The Thrashers' recent Choices in Life seem somewhat mature. Are the Thrashers finally adults? Are we? Are you?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Meanwhile, Johan Hedberg has gone to New Jersey. Martin Brodeur will never have a better back-up, so hooray for Moose!
Q: You know what's eerie?
A: Except for Volchenkov, all the Russians are silent.
IMPORTANT CORRECTION: As Razor Catch Prey points out, Sergei Gonchar is, in fact, a Russian. Your TBC editor is more negligent than Lindsay Lohan.
WHICH prospect? Surely a D-person.
UPDATE: It's final. Ivan Vishnevsky and a 2nd-rounder to Chicago. Ladd to Atlanta.
A hearty Thank You to Razor Catch Prey for his handling of live-blogging duties today. I would have been more engaged earlier, but I had to get some things done.
SO WHAT DID I MISS?
Ah yes, Dan Ellis is headed to Tampa. And Nittymaki to San Jose. And Colby Armstrong to Leafville. And Ilya Kovalchuk to...where?
And what about that Rick Dudley? What is his Grand Plan?
- Wait, what, Sergei Gonchar went to Ottawa? AHAHAHAHAHA
- How wild would it be if the Toronto Maple Leafs made some kind of Tomas Kaberle-for-Marc Savard deal, then signed Ilya Kovalchuk? A re-united Kovy-Savard pairing to play alongside Kris Versteeg and Phil Kessel, and uh, Colby Armstrong.
- Oh my. Paul Martin a Penguin, just like this young man.
- "Nabokov, Turco, Mason, Theodore, etc. all are going to have a real tough time finding a team," sez the James Mirtle writer. You all know what THIS means.
- Good Lord this is boring. Hamhuis to Vancouver (I think). I apologize for the sluggardly blogging today; I am awfully tired, for various work-related reasons. If something INTERESTING happens, I shall blog-slap it, here.
- Jay Grossman says his client, Anton Volchenkov, is finalizing his contract with the New Jersey Devils. What does this mean for that Kovalchuk fellow?
Where will Kovy end up?
Will Rick Dudley do anything brilliant/insane/none of the above?
If you're too lazy to range all over the 'Tubes to find out what is going on then stick with us here at TBC as we consolidate all the info on the big moves.
9:30 am- Keven Allen says Atlanta will be making another effort to sign Moose and will be looking for a forward this afternoon.
Gonchar is officially going to the open market.
Dan Ellis is NOT going to sign with Montreal before noon today. Time to start a campaign: "IF NOT MOOSE, THEN ELLIS!"
10:25 am- Apparently the Flames are expecting something to happen today. They have their press conference podium up and ready to go already. But it's not a stretch for any team to expect to have SOMETHING to address the media about today.
What do we still have we can give up to get Jarome Iginla?
10:35- Custance: "Hedberg and Thrashers still talking, but no agreement yet. Other options for the Moose include NYR, MTL, NJD..."
REALLY don't want to see Moose in any of those sweaters. Pay the man, Dudley!
Eklund shamelessly pandering to crazy Leafs fans by saying that he "thinks the Leafs will be in on" Kovy.
11:00- A funny: TheFourthPeriod I would not be surprised if FLA makes pitch for Kovalchuk... just like I would not be surprised when he says 'no thanks'
11:35- Posts will get a little bit sparser over the next little while. I have errands to run but will be watching everything on my Droid (which I call 'Whistler' and have an R2D2 ringtone for) and posting when I can.
12:00- And Marty Biron to the Rangers is the first deal done. Good solid backup but a little pricey for the role.
Kevin Allen says Dudley is still awaiting an answer from Moose.
12:10- Eklund says Moose talking to Habs. IF NOT MOOSE, THEN ELLIS!
GONCHAR TO SENS. First big move of the day.
Erik Christiensen signs with NYR. Have fun with that.
Gonch 5.5 mil per year. NTC.
Coburn re-signed by Flyers.
12:30- Lots of Savard for Regher Bos-Cal talk. Both players have NTC.
Army talking to the Leaf. I really hope he goes West. Don't want to play him often.
Interesting tweets between Ben Wright and John Manasso about Savard and Peter Bondra.
1:20- been on the road for last half hour. St. Louis signs extension in Tampa for 5.5 mil/ year.
Z. Michalek to Pit. Paul Martin was rumored to be going there. Now who knows?
1:50- Army a Leaf. How many Thrashers' bones will he break next time plays Atlanta?
Nittymakii to the Sharks. Good to see him out of the East.